Monthly Archives: January 2014

The day I have been waiting for…

Most people would describe “the day they have been waiting for” as days filled with real life changing events. Like an engagement, marriage, pregnancy announcement, birth or maybe even buying some dirt to call your own. Well today, I had the day I’ve been waiting for, but it wasn’t for any of those reasons. It was just because we saw 10 amazing little follicles on an ultrasound machine.

Anyone else would think that I’m silly, but to me, it was a life changing event in a HUGE way because it means my body is showing some signs of normality and we will hopefully progress through to finishing this IVF cycle, rather than having it cancelled like last time. Go me!! I’m feeling so proud of myself! I produced all those follicles by myself! Maybe I will love my body again now! To make today even better, I felt so many signs of our baby spirit watching over us today. I just know everything is going to be okay. While this cycle may not be successful and result in a pregnancy, I feel so much better in knowing that I am somewhat normal and have responded to the hormones. A sense of calm. It ‘s only up from here! 🙂

The Road Less Travelled

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7,260km’s or 90hrs or 4 days (non-stop) is the amount of driving we’ve done so far to Brisbane, since August 2013,to see our fertility specialist. Wow! That’s equivalent of a return trip from our home town to Kununurra in Western Australia. And that’s not including today’s trip, plus the many we’ll do in the next few weeks with our second IVF cycle. Last cycle we only had one trip to do between starting injections to egg pick up, but this time the trips will be more frequent, as my doctor is monitoring my response to the hormones more closely this time.

I should also mention that most of these trips occur at ‘stupid o’clock’. By stupid o’clock I don’t mean 5 or 6 o’clock in the morning either. I mean, at 2:30 in the morning! Yes, ‘stupid o’clock’. Our doctor only sees his IVF girls between 6:30 and 7:30 in the morning, because after this time he schedules time to see his general fertility and gynaecology patients, and then after that he’s off to the hospital to do surgeries. So it means we have to leave home early to be there nice and early for this limited window of time.

The things we see at that time of the morning are interesting. The same house with their lights on at 2:30am, to passing the same cars each trip. Generally we don’t pass too many other cars, but some days are different, with today being one of them. Being a public holiday we thought we’d see very few. In our first 20 minutes of driving, we passed 3. A record! More than usual! We often wonder what people are doing driving country roads at that time of the morning and if they’re as silly as us. I probably shouldn’t say that we’re silly, just extremely committed and devoted to why we’re doing this in the first place.

We’ve set many records too. To see if we can beat our best run (not by speeding, but dependent on city traffic). Three and a half hours was our best run. Another record being, how far we can get before the sun comes up (which of course is dependent on sunrise times). It’s usually around 5am, but we noticed it was a bit later today as the days begin to get shorter as Summer winds down, and Autumn approaches. Before we know it, we’ll have the cold, frosty mornings to contend with again too!

We’ve seen some interesting occurrences by driving at that time too. Obstacles on the road. That being a camping chair and deer! Usually it’s rabbits and kangaroos. They are on the obstacles list too, but camp chairs and deer have been by far the most “out there”. One morning we even thought we saw a UFO landing in a farmers paddock. But it was just the lights of his big irrigator. I never knew those things had lights or that they could turn themselves on and off like that!

The most beautiful occurrence we get to witness by travelling at that time of the morning, is seeing that big, red ball of gas rise over the rolling hills. The most reassuring occurrence, is driving past Rose Creek and Rose Street each time (Rose is my surname to-be). It’s almost a little sign that this road is the road we’re meant to travel.

There are many advantages if travelling at this time. Including:
1) The weather is cooler
2) Less traffic
3) Early arrival at your destination, which means you can also arrive home earlier

But there is one main disadvantage… SLEEP deprivation!!! In the last 24hrs, we’ve had 4 hours sleep! I should add, travel expenses (fuel, food), and loss of a days income is also another hidden disadvantage of the frequent trips.

While it’s hard living in a regional area and having to take time from work to travel copious kilometers and lose sleep, not a day goes by where we regret it. Holding that precious little one in our arms continues to be our incentive, and we’d make any commitment and sacrifice to get that dream. Even if it means loosing a few hours of shut eye, spending some dollars and travelling halfway around the world…

It finally happened!

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It finally happened! Yesterday!

This morning, was Day 1 of injections. My doctor wanted me to start 300iu of Gonal-F on CD 1 this cycle. But alas, being the Australia Day long weekend, the doctors office was only open for a little bit yesterday morning, and of course, my period arrived during the day, after they’d closed, so I couldn’t pick up the stims to start on CD1.

Luckily, the doctor had given me a back up dose to have at home just in case something like this happened. So I used it this morning on CD 2, as the doctor won’t be open until tomorrow (CD3) for us to collect some more, and have the usual pre-IVF bloodwork and ultrasounds. I figured it was better to start on CD 2 and continue once we get some more injections tomorrow, rather than missing a day in between.

So tomorrow means another 8 hr round trip to Brisbane (leaving at 2am, as our doctor only sees his IVF patients from 6:30-7:30am) to see the doctor and collect more injections, but we’re excited.

As I was giving my injection to myself this morning, I said to Troy “I hate doing this”, but he reminded me “Don’t think about it, we’ll get our bubby out of this”. This cycle already feels so much more positive! The one… I feel excited, almost a sense of exhilaration. The kind of jump up and down excitement. The excitement that brings butterflies to your stomach. Like a kid at the show excited to go on all the rides. We’re back on the roller coaster, but hopefully there won’t be so many ups and downs, and we’ll be able to hop off at the end this time and say “Wow, what a ride!”

Once again, I am Waiting

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Once again, I am waiting.

I spend a lot of my life waiting. Waiting for CD 14, which means ovulation day. Waiting out that dreaded 2 week wait, when you get to find out if this is the lucky month or not.

But this time, I’m waiting for a different reason. Actually waiting for AF to start. Usually I’d be hoping AF wouldn’t arrive. But this month is different.

I want AF to arrive as that will mean the start of a new IVF cycle. I feel positive about this one. We’ve had our mucked up trial run, so I’m ready to start this one, the real deal.

I’m already 2 days overdue, but I did ovulate a week later than usual, so technically I mightn’t see her until next week. And I’m definitely not pregnant, even though we did give it one last try naturally before the next ART cycle. I’ve been getting my usual symptoms that she’s on her way. Come on AF! Just hurry up and come!

Gazing into a crystal ball… I’m going to be a Mum!!!

Have you ever wished you could see into the future? Like gazing into a crystal ball? Knowing what lies ahead? Positives or negatives? Bumps in the road or smooth, flawless driving? Definitely a silly question to ask if you’re walking the infertility path and/or doing IVF treatments.

Not a day does by wishing that I could see into the future, particularly as much of this journey is spent waiting, waiting, waiting, to discover the same dreaded fate, each and every month.

My curiosity got the better of me, and today I saw a psychic. In the hopes of seeing what the future holds for myself and Troy and settling my grief. I needed some direction. Some answers. I’m sick of feeling like the unknown is weighing me down.

Where is my life going? It feels like at the moment the roller coaster ride we are on is getting quicker and far more intense rather than slowing down to a halt and allowing us to jump off. 2013 was such a crappy year. Will this year be better? Will we ever be blessed with that bundle of joy and become parents? And when? Are we wasting our time with IVF? Will I need to use donor eggs? Is our angel looking down on us from heaven? What sex was our angel? Does our angel know we loved him/her? What will happen with my employment this year now that our school has lost enrollments? Where will I be teaching and what class? These were all questions I had hoped would be answered. And I got more than I had bargained for.

Walking into the room where the psychic expo was being held was overwhelming. I’d never seen a psychic before. A virgin to say the least! I immediately had a decision to make. Which psychic was I going to trust and allow to read into my future and perhaps give me crippling bad news or the good news I’ve been seeking so desperately? I chose a lady called Ishjana. From reading her profile which was stuck onto a whiteboard, I liked that she was compassionate. She looked caring. And that she was.

I was gobsmacked at the accuracy of her reading. I told her very little information, and she touched on many events of my present life. I left feeling elated. Like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I had a grin from ear to ear. I almost felt as happy and excited as the day we got our first positive pregnancy test with our Angel. The jumping up and down kind of joy. At last, someone had told me those words that I wanted to hear so badly. Someone who genuinely knew. Someone who just wasn’t saying it. Someone who could see it as my future.

I will be a Mum soon!!! Within the next year!!

A Mum to 2 babies in fact. Not twins though. Two separate pregnancies. And there’ll be no trouble. She could feel it strongly. I just need to stop worrying and it will come. I feel so at ease knowing this. I’m just going to relax in knowing this, and enjoy my next IVF cycle (if there’s such a thing!!)
I also have 2 spirits following me and protecting me. One is a baby, and the other a lady with fair, curly hair who is thankful for something I’ve done to help her or a family member. I have no idea who the second spirit is. Perhaps that will come to me at a later time. But I have no doubts the baby spirit is our angel. Apparently they are sending me clues all the time. I just need to look out for them. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside knowing that my angel follows me everyday, everywhere.

Travel is on my horizon- better go book that cruise that I’ve been researching but too hesitant to book in case I do fall pregnant. A move too (would be nice). And a new horizon for employment- perhaps starting my own business. Not really sure on the validity of that prediction, but I will remain open minded to it. I could do with a change!! Troy my fiancĂ© already has his own business, but it has been quiet of late.

The one prediction that concerned me was regarding my mothers health deteriorating. She has been caring for my grandmother full time who has Alzheimer’s, which of late has deteriorated quite significantly. She doesn’t even remember my Mum’s name; her own daughters name. She predicted that my mother will need to look out more for her own health, which sounds true, as she has been so busy caring for Grandma lately that she’s barely had time to look out for herself and take her own needs into account. Something I will need to keep a close eye on.

Apart from that, I am joyous about my first psychic reading and it has given me a new lease on life. I will be a Mum. Troy will be a Dad. And our Angel will always be with us no matter where we go. And most importantly, I’m going to be a Mum.  I will carry this hope, and embrace it. I hope you all can dig down and find some hope too!

Today I am Grateful…

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For the past few weeks after our first and cancelled IVF cycle, I have been monitoring my body in the hope that all those hormones wouldn’t affect my body too much. Yes, I know, wishful thinking!!!

After the IVF cycle, my first period was early (by a whole week!), which never, ever happens. Needless to say, they were also different. Lasting 8 days instead of my usual 2 days. This was the first sign that yes, all those hormones had wreaked havoc on my poor, infertile body.

Since then, I have been anticipating when ovulation would be, in the hopes that would be just a small sign that my body is returning to some normality. Usually I ovulate around CD 15. And I say usually. Hence I have learnt, my body is still completely out of whack!!! Waiting… Waiting… Waiting… Something I am an expert at by now, as many on this TTC journey are. Something I am envious that all my “fertile” friends or family have never had to endure. The virtue of patience. Something I have never really been good at, but have developed a lot of in the last 2 years.

I had read that after IVF, it is possible to either ovulate later than usual, and sometimes not even at all. CD 15 passed… nothing. CD 16, 17, 18, 19 passed… nothing still. CD 20 passed… at last, a very faint second line on an OPK. That surely meant my body is doing something! CD 21… A positive OPK! Yay!

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Today I am grateful. Grateful that my body seems to be resuming some sort of usual function after taking all those grueling IVF drugs. It’s doing what it should have done a week ago! While it’s not completely back to normal, it’s a little step closer. It almost makes me feel like giving my body a whopping big hug, and loving it again. Something which is hard to do when it has deceived and disappointed me on so many occasions.

What would life be like without OPK tests? Yes, I am grateful that I have access to such tests to put my mind at ease, and predict when ovulation will be. Coz you need that magical, illusive egg to conceive right? Something I have learnt my body will soon stop producing in the coming few years.

I long to experience the day when I will no longer monitor what CD I am, quickly rush to the bathroom to do an OPK and waste copious amounts of time and money in doing the darn things!! The day when all the monitoring and testing will no longer be necessary. Something that’s a fantasy when you’re TTC and infertile…

History Repeating Itself…

In the last few days, my parents have happily and with much excitement moved house. The move was triggered by the need for options and opportunities. The small town we live in unfortunately does not provide options for employment, especially when some business owners won ‘t give people a go and choose to listen to small town “talk” instead. It’s disappointing that the place where my grandfather chose to work and raise his four children many years ago, and the place where my father chose to work damn hard and raise all five of his children, and the place where I had hoped to raise my children someday has suddenly become a place where my parents no longer wish to call “home”. It makes me feel isolated knowing that I am left it this town, alone, in the town that caused my parents so much heartache.

I am pleased for them however. Happiness is evident in their faces again. They seem relaxed and more carefree. Not worrying. Not stressing. Not killing themselves with negativity. Just happy. They have had a stressful year, and it was beginning to impact on their health. The move was what they needed.

It has hit me though. No longer will I be able to just drop in and see them whenever I feel. I guess I also feel guilty. Guilty in the fact that I didn’t just drop in and see them more often, when they still lived in the same town as me.

Tuesday was moving day. Troy and I helped them lift and load boxes and furniture onto the removalist truck, on what seemed like the hottest day ever!! It got to 40 degrees celcius that day. The middle of a heat wave. No wonder we were sweating like pigs! The whole contents of their life which had been greatly diminished due to the floods last year, packed away on the back of a truck. Headed to a new town, for a new start.

As we drove away I realised something. In January 2013 we were helping them clean up after a devastating flood. How ironic that in January 2014 we were also helping them shift stuff but this time on a more positive note to help them move house. February 2013 we were pregnant with our first baby, now our angel. What are the chances of us being pregnant again in February 2014? Could this be history repeating itself? We start our second round of IVF at the end of January. So the possibility is very well there. I will hold onto this hope.