Monthly Archives: February 2014

Dark Clouds Loom Above

20140228-205901.jpg

Those dark clouds are once again looming above. Spiralling in the sky, brewing up, ready to unleash the heavens above.

This time last week, our days were sunny. We had accepted that our second IVF cycle would be negative, and we were looking forward to a much needed break from the emotionally, physically and financially draining experience of trying to conceive.

But since last week, so much has changed. News of a positive HCG result brought excitement, and amazement in how much of a miracle it was that it HAD worked. But alas, we hadn’t had a positive HPT yet, which made us feel like it wasn’t real at all. Just a joke. Someone screwing with our minds. Should we be excited as this is the one, or remain cautious, as this pregnancy too may be ripped from us? I have never felt so confused, and like I’d been pulled in so many directions. I felt like a dogs toy, being tugged from every which direction. What do I think? What do I believe? The blood test says yes, but the HPT says no…

We were scheduled for another HCG test on Tuesday, where I was certain that the HCG levels would rise , as I had now had a positive HPT. This surely meant the HCG levels were rising! I had started to feel pregnant now too. Morning sickness and extreme lethargy. I am pregnant at long last! That feeling I will never forget. The flutter in my heart, and the most absolute genuine feeling of happiness and joy, to see that one word flash up on the HPT- “pregnant”. Life was worth it. The outcome we’d been striving so damn hard to achieve for the last 21 months was now a reality. Our very own IVF miracle! I told Troy to look in the bathroom when he got home from work. It made him so happy. That cute grin, which spread from one ear to the other. A grin which i haven’t seen in a long time. It clearly meant the world to him too.

I was right with my thoughts too. My HCG levels had more than doubled every 48 hours. Which according to google- was what it should do. Which was a very good sign! I’m pregnant! One year exactly, after our first angel pregnancy! I’d been patient, and had now been rewarded!

After the second blood test, our doctor wasn’t in his office to confirm what he thought of my results. So we had another gruelling wait until our doctor returned the next day, to see if all was okay. And I made a silly mistake that night. In that desperate time of waiting, I got excited. How could I not be excited? I had spent so many weeks of this IVF cycle being negative, attempting to protect my emotions in case failure arose. Surely I now had the right to acknowledge and celebrate this extraordinary outcome. I could be positive now couldn’t I? There is a life beginning to grow inside of me. The most special feeling in the world. I thought the rising levels meant it would all be okay. This pregnancy would be the one, where we get to take home our own real, live baby in 9 months time, wouldn’t it? I’m going to be a Mum right? And Troy a Dad? Well, we got it WRONG…

My doctor said the HCG levels are just not high enough to indicate a healthy pregnancy, and it either will not continue, or it may even indicate an ectopic pregnancy. But our embryo definitely has implanted. And I’m pregnant. But how can this be happening again? What have we done to deserve yet another loss of a little one? A little one who amazingly carries our genetics, and is a part of us? And what have I done that is so bad to face the potential risk of losing a Fallopian tube and subsequent further loss of my fertility if it does turn out to be an ectopic? I wish God could talk to me and tell me all those answers. I am so damn terrified. As if having endometriosis, and a very low egg count isn ‘t bad enough. I don’t think I’ll be able to live if something happens to my tubes.

So now, we continue to play the waiting game. Meant to be 5 weeks today. My doctor wants the pregnancy to progress a little further first, and we will see him NEXT WEEK, where we will finally receive some answers. So for now, we just continue to wait for the inevitable. And hope like crazy that in the meantime the possible ectopic pregnancy doesn’t rear it’s ugly head and wreak havoc on my body.

My body has failed me once again. I have no interest in even trying again anymore. Look what happens when I spend so much time and money loving, nurturing and preparing my body for a pregnancy. It just fails me. Over and over. Why should I even bother anymore? I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to battle through another year of life in the hope that this may be the one. I want it to be over. I want the pregnancy symptoms to be gone, and to stop taunting me. I want a break from all these ups and downs. My psychological health cannot handle much more of it.

Those dark clouds are right now drenching our emotions with hurt and disappointment. We will get through this eventually and the sun will rear its face again. And we will once again just be that childless couple, with broken hearts, and a poor bank balance. Until next time. We love you our second angel.

20140228-205928.jpg

Advertisements

The Saga Continues…

So… the saga continues….

Today I did another HPT, and was absolutely terrified that I would see another big fat negative. I keep wondering how can a bloodtest indicate a “weak positive” and a HPT isn’t even able to pick it up? Well guess what… I saw was the most faintest of lines. So faint that I had to look twice to see it. So faint that when I looked again some hours later (which you are not meant to do, you are meant to read it within 10 minutes), there was nothing. So… was it a real line? Or just a evaporation line? Or is it just playing tricks. Who knows and I have no idea what to think now.

I messaged Troy this morning as he left early for work, and he was just so happy. I hope that this is it. I hope I can make him a Daddy. He wants it so much. And so do I. I don’t want him to feel disappointed, as we both know too well how that disappointment feels.

I am officially late for AF today. So technically, should have seen something happen by now. The very light spotting has continued. Not even like my usual pre-period spotting. But in fact, more like discoloured discharge. (Sorry TMI). Apparently my HCG levels on Friday were 52, but they like it to be at 100. I swear I felt a little whoozy this morning, but am trying not to symptom spot, as I know this may just be part of the emotional game we are playing at the moment.

And tomorrow is THE DAY… No more waiting in limbo. No more waiting for the unknown. No more praying and using every ounce of hope that exists in my poor, drained, emotionally sore body. I will have another HCG beta to see if the levels are rising. I am absolutely terrified. Tomorrow is THE DAY we will get to know the outcome. A definite positive or negative. I know that I will be ecstatic if it is a stronger positive, but if it s a negative, and looks like a possible chemical pregnancy or miscarriage has occurred, I don’t know what I will do with myself… Considering that this time a year ago, almost to the day, we discovered we were pregnant with our angel, and then learnt of our miscarriage some 5 weeks later. My goodness… It just feels like deja vu all over again…. I praying that my guardian angels can grant us our wishes and guide us through this ordeal if the outcome is not a happy one.

Weak Positive

So yesterday, I had a HCG beta blood test following my second cycle of IVF.

Weak positive….. Not a straight negative or positive. But weak… Like come on! The nurse said our little embryo may have implanted late. Why does this have to happen? A straight negative would’ve been much easier to deal with, not the uncertainty that we are now faced with.

I was coping just fine and had convinced myself it would be negative. I’ve had NO pregnancy signs or symptoms to make me think the slightest that it would be “weakly” positive. I had already accepted that it’d be negative and Troy and I had already discussed that we’d take a break from IVF for a few months as we knew it’d be negative. But now that the circumstances have changed and we’ve been surprised with a “weak positive”, this has made us think just how close we have come to becoming pregnant. Perhaps we shouldn’t take a break! Perhaps the real deal is just around the corner. Perhaps this is the silver lining to the dark clouds of late. What do we do?

I have to go for a follow up blood test on Tuesday to see if the HCG levels have risen, but I ‘m not betting on it. It must only be the tiniest amount of HCG, as I’ve had a negative HPT both yesterday and this morning. Surely it couldn’t be remnants of the Pregnyl injections just tricking us? My last booster was 8 days ago. Maybe it’s a chemical pregnancy. I had some light spotting yesterday, which is the usual indication that my periods will come in the next few days.

IVF…. Such a roller coaster, so many ups and downs. And this just proves it. I feel so confused. I’m not allowing myself to be happy. As I know the world is just teasing us with this circumstance. And the memory of how if feels to have a baby taken from us is still so raw. If we don’t get excited, maybe that will protect our emotions if the worst does eventuate. But it kinda does excite me just a little bit, as it means we’ve come so close! Our little embryo has at least tried to implant. Oh how it would be such a miracle if this could eventuate…

A Shout Out To The World

WARNING: This post contains my exact thoughts, and while this post is targeted predominantly at the busy noses, it is definitely not intended to offend those that genuinely care and show compassion towards us. Those people know who they are, the ones that care, are there for us, and have offered us many kind words of encouragement and support.

Dear World,

I would like to say to you that NO…. I am NOT pregnant… I wish I could scream it at the top of my lungs to the whole world, from the top of the highest mountain. If only you knew that each time I am asked that question, how much my heart is crushed and shattered. How much it hurts. How much it really is none of your business. How much we have been through in the last year. How much we really want to be parents. And how hard it is for us to achieve.

No I am not pregnant, I am just fat. I have been struggling with the effects of Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome as a result of our current IVF cycle if you must really know. Something no woman should have to go through. And it has made me bloated. It has made me look like I am 6 months pregnant. I wish that there was a life in there to nurture and love. I wish that it meant I WILL be a Mum. But NO it doesn’t! In the last week I have gained 6 kilograms! Yes, 6! As a result of fluid building up in my body. And how do you think that feels? Yes. Really.  I feel like a whale. And if you must know, it may take a few months for my fat belly to deflate and look “normal” again. And sadly, this IVF cycle WILL be negative if that’s what you wanted to know.

But for now we will continue battling on and ignore you world. The questions and comments from people who have really NO idea will be put behind us. The love and support showed to us from strangers, and very few selected “friends” will be held close. And if you must know, we are taking a break from even trying anymore. We are giving up (for a while). Focussing on us. So NO. I am not pregnant. And won’t be anytime soon, because we are not even trying. Two hard years of trying, and the last 6 months of financial burden and invasive operations has taken its toll, emotionally, physically, financially and relationship wise. So go and pry on someone else’s life, not mine. You won’t find any gossip here.

From, that infertile woman….
(Rant over)

Descending the Rollercoaster

Well, this roller-coaster we’re riding, never fails to deliver. It seems we’ve descended to another all time low, just when we thought we were at the peak of it. That’s the beauty of IVF- so damn erratic.

Yesterday we found out NONE, ZERO, ZILCH, of our 5 leftover embryos were able to be frozen. Another blow. Which means we’ll need to start all over again if the embryo transferred doesn’t result in a pregnancy. I am not feeling optimistic. If the others didn’t make it, that doesn’t give this one a very good chance. But we will see in the next week I suppose.

So for now I will continue feeling like crap. A mild case of ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome has left me feeling worse for wear. Complemented with more hormones to support the luteal phase and any pregnancy that may occur.

I hate that I feel so bloated. My belly hurts. Everyday functions like walking, sneezing, coughing and even breathing are painful. I know I shouldn’t be at work. But I grit my teeth and bear it, because I’ve already taken so much time off already to do this IVF cycle. I am fat. I feel like I have gained 10 kilograms. I look like I am 5 months pregnant. I feel like a balloon. You could pop me with a needle. Every part of me aches. Heart included. I can feel my swollen ovaries throbbing, trying to cope so hard in my over loaded body. This will give the town gossips some more ammunition to fire at me. “Are you pregnant?” I will say, “I could only wish”, while fighting back tears….

Are you sick of the hormones, dear body? I’m sorry to continue to poison you with them, but I need to if I want just a small chance of being a Mum. The progesterone suppositories have given me thrush, and the Pregnyl injections are giving me false pregnancy symptoms. I’m sorry body! My boobs ache. False positive pregnancy tests. I hate everything about this. Poor body! Never before has my body felt so terrible. It can’t go on any more. You have been thrashed from all the hormones. If this isn’t the one, I’ve decided I may take a few months off to nurture you dear body, and also nurture our feelings. This is a hard decision especially with my declining AMH. Time’s a wasting. Our chances of having a baby before my egg count declines and menopause hits, are very few and far between. Our chances of having a baby with my body being so depleted are also low. Such a hard decision, but I can’t continue to feel this way. I don’t want to feel like curling up into a ball and never waking up anymore. I don’t want to feel lifeless. I want to be normal. With normal fertility. Is that so hard to ask for?

Feel the Pressure

Since having our embryo transfer yesterday, I have felt nothing but pressure. Pressure from others. It’s at times like this I wish we could keep our IVF treatment a secret from family and friends. If it weren’t for the fact that we live 4 hours away and need to commute to Brisbane and spend a week there in the period between egg pick up and transfer, I would keep it a secret. We could hide it. No one would need to know. And we wouldn’t be facing the assumptions from everyone that this IS going to work. For IVF is such a lottery draw. Some score first go, others don’t. Others score after many failed attempts. While Troy and I have been taught about the harsh reality of just how chance-like and unknown infertility is (with having tried for almost 2 years now, having a miscarriage and being diagnosed with endometriosis and low AMH), I wish others could understand this too and realise that this cycle may not work, and be more cautious with their excitement and comments.

While I appreciate everyone’s enthusiasm and positivity in saying things like “this will be the one” and “now you can look forward to the next 9 months” and heck , even discussing morning sickness remedies already, I know that there’s only a 40% chance that it will work. My boss has even assumed I’ll need to take leave at the end of the year. While I’d love to be able to get excited and think about these things and dream about the possibilities, I know I need to be cautious. There is a chance I may get pregnant, but there is also a greater chance that I’ll get my period in 2 weeks time.

At the time of transfer, our embryo was just a wee 2 cell embryo, and still needs to undergo MANY complex cell divisions to reach the blastocyst stage, and then implant into my uterine lining. At any point, something can go wrong for that embryo to stop growing. And it could also go right. I am trying so hard to remain optimistic in that it will work, but the expectations and pressure from everyone else makes it hard. As well as this, the scientist didn’t seem too positive about the growth of our leftover embryos. Some are behind in growth, so maybe we won’t get any to freeze after all. We will find out a definite on Tuesday. I guess, it has all made me feel a little down, and perhaps I’m being negative rather than cautious about it all.

So the question is, what do we tell everyone if this one fails? What do we tell them if it is successful (and knowing we’ve miscarried and will be hesitant in telling anyone early on)? I know that they’ll all be asking in 2 weeks time the results. I don’t know if I can handle the fact that everyone is just “waiting” for our news.

I feel so confused and wish that this 2 week wait was over already. The progesterone suppositories have been making me feel like crap, and I just pray to god that me feeling this way will all be for a good reason. Keep growing little embryo please. Xxoo

Embryo on Board!

20140207-100920.jpg

Today we have an embryo on board! Maybe I should start a business and market those signs for cars, like the ones that say “Baby on Board” but instead advertise having an “Embryo on Board”. Imagine the looks you’d get!

One 2 cell embryo was transferred at 9:30 this morning. Dr M seemed pretty pleased with the transfer, exclaiming in excitement… “Look at that transfer, no blood at all on the catheter”. Far out! Talk about a big ego over sticking a catheter inside me!! But it is relieving to hear him boasting about it. Hopefully our embryo is nice and snug in there, will continue to grow and implant in my uterus in the coming weeks. The good news is, Dr M also sounded confident that we’ll have some embryos to freeze.

Now the long 2 week wait begins to see if this cycle is successful or not. We will of course be over the moon if it is successful. It turns out to be exactly a year since we were pregnant with our angel. So the timing would be a blessing. But if it’s not successful, I’ll still be happy. As we finally have discovered the IVF protocol that is right for me.