Since having our embryo transfer yesterday, I have felt nothing but pressure. Pressure from others. It’s at times like this I wish we could keep our IVF treatment a secret from family and friends. If it weren’t for the fact that we live 4 hours away and need to commute to Brisbane and spend a week there in the period between egg pick up and transfer, I would keep it a secret. We could hide it. No one would need to know. And we wouldn’t be facing the assumptions from everyone that this IS going to work. For IVF is such a lottery draw. Some score first go, others don’t. Others score after many failed attempts. While Troy and I have been taught about the harsh reality of just how chance-like and unknown infertility is (with having tried for almost 2 years now, having a miscarriage and being diagnosed with endometriosis and low AMH), I wish others could understand this too and realise that this cycle may not work, and be more cautious with their excitement and comments.
While I appreciate everyone’s enthusiasm and positivity in saying things like “this will be the one” and “now you can look forward to the next 9 months” and heck , even discussing morning sickness remedies already, I know that there’s only a 40% chance that it will work. My boss has even assumed I’ll need to take leave at the end of the year. While I’d love to be able to get excited and think about these things and dream about the possibilities, I know I need to be cautious. There is a chance I may get pregnant, but there is also a greater chance that I’ll get my period in 2 weeks time.
At the time of transfer, our embryo was just a wee 2 cell embryo, and still needs to undergo MANY complex cell divisions to reach the blastocyst stage, and then implant into my uterine lining. At any point, something can go wrong for that embryo to stop growing. And it could also go right. I am trying so hard to remain optimistic in that it will work, but the expectations and pressure from everyone else makes it hard. As well as this, the scientist didn’t seem too positive about the growth of our leftover embryos. Some are behind in growth, so maybe we won’t get any to freeze after all. We will find out a definite on Tuesday. I guess, it has all made me feel a little down, and perhaps I’m being negative rather than cautious about it all.
So the question is, what do we tell everyone if this one fails? What do we tell them if it is successful (and knowing we’ve miscarried and will be hesitant in telling anyone early on)? I know that they’ll all be asking in 2 weeks time the results. I don’t know if I can handle the fact that everyone is just “waiting” for our news.
I feel so confused and wish that this 2 week wait was over already. The progesterone suppositories have been making me feel like crap, and I just pray to god that me feeling this way will all be for a good reason. Keep growing little embryo please. Xxoo