Well, this roller-coaster we’re riding, never fails to deliver. It seems we’ve descended to another all time low, just when we thought we were at the peak of it. That’s the beauty of IVF- so damn erratic.
Yesterday we found out NONE, ZERO, ZILCH, of our 5 leftover embryos were able to be frozen. Another blow. Which means we’ll need to start all over again if the embryo transferred doesn’t result in a pregnancy. I am not feeling optimistic. If the others didn’t make it, that doesn’t give this one a very good chance. But we will see in the next week I suppose.
So for now I will continue feeling like crap. A mild case of ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome has left me feeling worse for wear. Complemented with more hormones to support the luteal phase and any pregnancy that may occur.
I hate that I feel so bloated. My belly hurts. Everyday functions like walking, sneezing, coughing and even breathing are painful. I know I shouldn’t be at work. But I grit my teeth and bear it, because I’ve already taken so much time off already to do this IVF cycle. I am fat. I feel like I have gained 10 kilograms. I look like I am 5 months pregnant. I feel like a balloon. You could pop me with a needle. Every part of me aches. Heart included. I can feel my swollen ovaries throbbing, trying to cope so hard in my over loaded body. This will give the town gossips some more ammunition to fire at me. “Are you pregnant?” I will say, “I could only wish”, while fighting back tears….
Are you sick of the hormones, dear body? I’m sorry to continue to poison you with them, but I need to if I want just a small chance of being a Mum. The progesterone suppositories have given me thrush, and the Pregnyl injections are giving me false pregnancy symptoms. I’m sorry body! My boobs ache. False positive pregnancy tests. I hate everything about this. Poor body! Never before has my body felt so terrible. It can’t go on any more. You have been thrashed from all the hormones. If this isn’t the one, I’ve decided I may take a few months off to nurture you dear body, and also nurture our feelings. This is a hard decision especially with my declining AMH. Time’s a wasting. Our chances of having a baby before my egg count declines and menopause hits, are very few and far between. Our chances of having a baby with my body being so depleted are also low. Such a hard decision, but I can’t continue to feel this way. I don’t want to feel like curling up into a ball and never waking up anymore. I don’t want to feel lifeless. I want to be normal. With normal fertility. Is that so hard to ask for?