So yesterday, I had a HCG beta blood test following my second cycle of IVF.
Weak positive….. Not a straight negative or positive. But weak… Like come on! The nurse said our little embryo may have implanted late. Why does this have to happen? A straight negative would’ve been much easier to deal with, not the uncertainty that we are now faced with.
I was coping just fine and had convinced myself it would be negative. I’ve had NO pregnancy signs or symptoms to make me think the slightest that it would be “weakly” positive. I had already accepted that it’d be negative and Troy and I had already discussed that we’d take a break from IVF for a few months as we knew it’d be negative. But now that the circumstances have changed and we’ve been surprised with a “weak positive”, this has made us think just how close we have come to becoming pregnant. Perhaps we shouldn’t take a break! Perhaps the real deal is just around the corner. Perhaps this is the silver lining to the dark clouds of late. What do we do?
I have to go for a follow up blood test on Tuesday to see if the HCG levels have risen, but I ‘m not betting on it. It must only be the tiniest amount of HCG, as I’ve had a negative HPT both yesterday and this morning. Surely it couldn’t be remnants of the Pregnyl injections just tricking us? My last booster was 8 days ago. Maybe it’s a chemical pregnancy. I had some light spotting yesterday, which is the usual indication that my periods will come in the next few days.
IVF…. Such a roller coaster, so many ups and downs. And this just proves it. I feel so confused. I’m not allowing myself to be happy. As I know the world is just teasing us with this circumstance. And the memory of how if feels to have a baby taken from us is still so raw. If we don’t get excited, maybe that will protect our emotions if the worst does eventuate. But it kinda does excite me just a little bit, as it means we’ve come so close! Our little embryo has at least tried to implant. Oh how it would be such a miracle if this could eventuate…