So… the saga continues….
Today I did another HPT, and was absolutely terrified that I would see another big fat negative. I keep wondering how can a bloodtest indicate a “weak positive” and a HPT isn’t even able to pick it up? Well guess what… I saw was the most faintest of lines. So faint that I had to look twice to see it. So faint that when I looked again some hours later (which you are not meant to do, you are meant to read it within 10 minutes), there was nothing. So… was it a real line? Or just a evaporation line? Or is it just playing tricks. Who knows and I have no idea what to think now.
I messaged Troy this morning as he left early for work, and he was just so happy. I hope that this is it. I hope I can make him a Daddy. He wants it so much. And so do I. I don’t want him to feel disappointed, as we both know too well how that disappointment feels.
I am officially late for AF today. So technically, should have seen something happen by now. The very light spotting has continued. Not even like my usual pre-period spotting. But in fact, more like discoloured discharge. (Sorry TMI). Apparently my HCG levels on Friday were 52, but they like it to be at 100. I swear I felt a little whoozy this morning, but am trying not to symptom spot, as I know this may just be part of the emotional game we are playing at the moment.
And tomorrow is THE DAY… No more waiting in limbo. No more waiting for the unknown. No more praying and using every ounce of hope that exists in my poor, drained, emotionally sore body. I will have another HCG beta to see if the levels are rising. I am absolutely terrified. Tomorrow is THE DAY we will get to know the outcome. A definite positive or negative. I know that I will be ecstatic if it is a stronger positive, but if it s a negative, and looks like a possible chemical pregnancy or miscarriage has occurred, I don’t know what I will do with myself… Considering that this time a year ago, almost to the day, we discovered we were pregnant with our angel, and then learnt of our miscarriage some 5 weeks later. My goodness… It just feels like deja vu all over again…. I praying that my guardian angels can grant us our wishes and guide us through this ordeal if the outcome is not a happy one.