Dark Clouds Loom Above

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Those dark clouds are once again looming above. Spiralling in the sky, brewing up, ready to unleash the heavens above.

This time last week, our days were sunny. We had accepted that our second IVF cycle would be negative, and we were looking forward to a much needed break from the emotionally, physically and financially draining experience of trying to conceive.

But since last week, so much has changed. News of a positive HCG result brought excitement, and amazement in how much of a miracle it was that it HAD worked. But alas, we hadn’t had a positive HPT yet, which made us feel like it wasn’t real at all. Just a joke. Someone screwing with our minds. Should we be excited as this is the one, or remain cautious, as this pregnancy too may be ripped from us? I have never felt so confused, and like I’d been pulled in so many directions. I felt like a dogs toy, being tugged from every which direction. What do I think? What do I believe? The blood test says yes, but the HPT says no…

We were scheduled for another HCG test on Tuesday, where I was certain that the HCG levels would rise , as I had now had a positive HPT. This surely meant the HCG levels were rising! I had started to feel pregnant now too. Morning sickness and extreme lethargy. I am pregnant at long last! That feeling I will never forget. The flutter in my heart, and the most absolute genuine feeling of happiness and joy, to see that one word flash up on the HPT- “pregnant”. Life was worth it. The outcome we’d been striving so damn hard to achieve for the last 21 months was now a reality. Our very own IVF miracle! I told Troy to look in the bathroom when he got home from work. It made him so happy. That cute grin, which spread from one ear to the other. A grin which i haven’t seen in a long time. It clearly meant the world to him too.

I was right with my thoughts too. My HCG levels had more than doubled every 48 hours. Which according to google- was what it should do. Which was a very good sign! I’m pregnant! One year exactly, after our first angel pregnancy! I’d been patient, and had now been rewarded!

After the second blood test, our doctor wasn’t in his office to confirm what he thought of my results. So we had another gruelling wait until our doctor returned the next day, to see if all was okay. And I made a silly mistake that night. In that desperate time of waiting, I got excited. How could I not be excited? I had spent so many weeks of this IVF cycle being negative, attempting to protect my emotions in case failure arose. Surely I now had the right to acknowledge and celebrate this extraordinary outcome. I could be positive now couldn’t I? There is a life beginning to grow inside of me. The most special feeling in the world. I thought the rising levels meant it would all be okay. This pregnancy would be the one, where we get to take home our own real, live baby in 9 months time, wouldn’t it? I’m going to be a Mum right? And Troy a Dad? Well, we got it WRONG…

My doctor said the HCG levels are just not high enough to indicate a healthy pregnancy, and it either will not continue, or it may even indicate an ectopic pregnancy. But our embryo definitely has implanted. And I’m pregnant. But how can this be happening again? What have we done to deserve yet another loss of a little one? A little one who amazingly carries our genetics, and is a part of us? And what have I done that is so bad to face the potential risk of losing a Fallopian tube and subsequent further loss of my fertility if it does turn out to be an ectopic? I wish God could talk to me and tell me all those answers. I am so damn terrified. As if having endometriosis, and a very low egg count isn ‘t bad enough. I don’t think I’ll be able to live if something happens to my tubes.

So now, we continue to play the waiting game. Meant to be 5 weeks today. My doctor wants the pregnancy to progress a little further first, and we will see him NEXT WEEK, where we will finally receive some answers. So for now, we just continue to wait for the inevitable. And hope like crazy that in the meantime the possible ectopic pregnancy doesn’t rear it’s ugly head and wreak havoc on my body.

My body has failed me once again. I have no interest in even trying again anymore. Look what happens when I spend so much time and money loving, nurturing and preparing my body for a pregnancy. It just fails me. Over and over. Why should I even bother anymore? I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to battle through another year of life in the hope that this may be the one. I want it to be over. I want the pregnancy symptoms to be gone, and to stop taunting me. I want a break from all these ups and downs. My psychological health cannot handle much more of it.

Those dark clouds are right now drenching our emotions with hurt and disappointment. We will get through this eventually and the sun will rear its face again. And we will once again just be that childless couple, with broken hearts, and a poor bank balance. Until next time. We love you our second angel.

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