Monthly Archives: March 2014

What It Feels Like To Be A Mum

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This week I have learnt what it feels like to be a Mum… A Mum to a fur baby.

We got a new kitten. She was born from a stray cat at school, and I couldn’t help but rescue her and give her a loving home. Her name is Jezabelle. She is about 6 weeks old and has been a wonderful distraction from our recent loss.

This week however has been filled with emotions as we have faced many ups and downs with rearing our new fur baby, which I am sure are the same emotions a new mother would feel bringing her baby into the world. Something I hope to experience someday. Being a Mum to a real, live baby. Not just a kitten!

When we first got our kitten last weekend, I was utterly in love. My new baby was the most adorable affectionate ball of fluff that loved to smooch my neck and climb up onto my shoulder for cuddles. Those first few days of owning our baby, I felt extreme feelings of love, attachment, and wonderment as we watched it intently all night long.

But it was not meant to be. It turned out we had got the wrong kitten. She was instead a he. We wanted a female as our other fur babies are females and we find them much cleaner. I felt devastated. How could I give this bundle of joy up to swap him for a female? My heart felt crushed. What mother swaps her baby because it is not the right sex? How could I do this? Was I being selfish and only thinking of myself? Needless to say, we did end up swapping for the female, and my little boy found a new home with another family. My heart broke watching him go home with someone else. My baby was gone, but now I had another baby. Jezabelle.

So once again, I was faced with euphoria as I took my new baby home. She was just like her brother. So cute and affectionate. But all was not well. My poor little baby was sick. We bathed her. Being stray, she had fleas and ring worms. She also had mucous coming from her nose, she was shivering , sneezing, and couldn’t breathe well. So now we were faced with worry and uncertainty as to whether she would make it through the night. We watched over her for as long as we could until we couldn’t bare it any more and needed some sleep ourselves. We felt so helpless in not being able to make her feel better.

The next day she was a little bit better, not sneezing as much, but still sick and snuffling. Our poor baby. Off to the vet we went. The cat flu was her diagnosis. Some antibiotics have now cured her flu and she is on the mend, running around, terrorising our house and being so cute snuggling my neck.

And just like many new Mothers, I too have felt frustration. Frustration at the little accidents she keeps leaving despite having a litter box. But I don’t stay frustrated for long, as her cuddles are so special.

How much I love our new baby, and being a fur-Mum. It certainly is making me long for the privilege of being a real Mum.

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Closure & A Fresh Start

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On Friday morning I woke with excruciating cramps which woke me from my sleep. On Friday, I miscarried.

This was my second miscarriage, but my first natural miscarriage. My first miscarriage was termed a ”missed miscarriage” meaning that my body did not recognise that the pregnancy had ended and therefore didn’t attempt to miscarry the pregnancy. As a result I had to have a Dilation and Curettage to remove the pregnancy.

In many ways the D&C was much easier than this natural miscarriage. Even though it involved an anaesthetic which made me feel shocking afterwards, I still found the D&C much easier. I only had cramping the night of the procedure, and only very light spotting afterwards which only lasted a day or two.

I have found the natural miscarriage worse. As I’ve already mentioned, the cramps were excruciating. I had to dose myself up on Panadol and Nurofen, which still didn ‘t ease the cramps. Being able to physically see the remnants of the pregnancy leave my body also was emotionally wounding. It sounds completely gross I know, but every time I went to the toilet I couldn’t ‘t help but think if the huge clot that passed was our little embryo. I miss our embryo, and I ‘m sorry that I couldn’t nurture you for longer and keep you safe little embryo.

Thankfully the heavy bleeding, clots and cramps have eased now, indicating the miscarriage is mostly over, and a fresh start is near.

While yes we are upset that our miracle IVF baby couldn’t stay with us, and I am somewhat disappointed in my body for failing me once again, we are looking towards the future, to a fresh start, which will hopefully result in a rainbow sometime soon.

On Friday, by coincidence, my herbs from my naturopath arrived. I think this was almost a psychic occurrence. Somehow those herbs knew I needed them! The herbs made me feel somewhat better about everything, and gave me something to look towards even though I was going through the physical experience of miscarriage.

So now I add to my morning routine, 5ml of herbs to regulate my hormones again, a probiotic which has been shown to help with fertility, and a high grade fish oil (not a cheap one, as they contain mercury). On top of this, it has been recommended that I cut out red meat altogether (which is doable) and dairy (which I will struggle with) to help boost my immune system and stop the endometriosis from growing back. I really want to give it a shot but it is going to take some determination. But surely I can find some determination to do this, just like I always manage to find some small piece of determination from somewhere to keep trying and not give up on our dream of being parents. But how will I ever go without chocolate?! Lol.

For now, I am pleased to have closure. To know my ovaries are safe. It wasn’t ectopic. And the miscarriage is finally over. I don’t have to sit around and wait anymore. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Seriously. And for now, we will just look towards the future and enjoy a break from the stresses of TTC. Enjoy each other and enjoy life again.

A Dream of Rainbows

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After a miscarriage, the term “rainbow baby” is used to describe a baby that is conceived and is thus born following a loss.

In the real world, beautiful, bright, colourful rainbows usually follow a storm. The storm being the loss. The rainbow is said to give hope to those parents who have experienced loss, that their days will soon be bright and colourful, ideally with a new pregnancy.

After our first miscarriage in April last year, I had the magical experience of seeing the most beautiful rainbow on my way home from work. I instantly knew it was our first angel, giving us a little sign from above, that we would be okay- eventually. Offering us some hope at a time we very much needed it. And it was comforting.

And that magical experience happened again today too, on my way home from work. I saw another beautiful rainbow. Another sign from our second angel, that we will be okay. This sign came with good timing. I needed it. The spotting began today, indicating a very close second miscarriage.

While I wish our second miracle baby could stay with us for longer, I must look towards these beautiful rainbows our angels are sending and carry on, hoping. Hoping that one day, our dream will become a reality. So for now, I will keep dreaming of rainbows. Beautiful, bright, colourful rainbows.

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So Sick

So today, we had an appointment with our FS, where we were hoping to find out whether this pregnancy is an ectopic, or a very weak intrauterine pregnancy which will soon result in a miscarriage. And let me tell you, I’m so sick, so sick of not knowing, as today did not bring us any answers whatsoever.

My HCG levels have risen to 292, but are not high enough to indicate a threatening ectopic pregnancy. Meaning that my FS would not suggest doing a laparoscopy to remove it. It may resolve itself with time,or it may continue to grow causing rupture. Also, a D&C is out if the question, as if it is a intrauterine pregnancy , it would be so tiny, that any scraping of the uterus, may miss that tiny speck of pregnancy tissue.

So for now we just continue to wait. I wish something would finally eventuate, so we can get our life back to normal. My FS will continue to monitor me with weekly HCG tests, as there is still a very small chance it could rupture if it is ectopic, and he will make a call further down the track to operate if needed.

Waiting is seriously taking its toll. I can’t handle much more. I am terrified of it rupturing, as let’s face it, the services and promptness of the hospital in the country town I live are pretty much hopeless. I’d have better chances of dying. So for now, we just wait…. So sick, so sick of waiting…

Everywhere I Go

Everywhere I go, I either see protruding pregnant bellies, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, beautiful little newborn babies, and even children laughing and having fun. From the shopping centre, to work, to Facebook, to T.V, to at home, across the road. These stark reminders of what we don’t have seem to plague us on what seems like an everyday, constant occasion. There is not a day that goes by, where we are not reminded. There is not a day that goes by, that our hearts do not ache for something we so deeply desire. I miss our babies. I want our babies…