On Friday morning I woke with excruciating cramps which woke me from my sleep. On Friday, I miscarried.
This was my second miscarriage, but my first natural miscarriage. My first miscarriage was termed a ”missed miscarriage” meaning that my body did not recognise that the pregnancy had ended and therefore didn’t attempt to miscarry the pregnancy. As a result I had to have a Dilation and Curettage to remove the pregnancy.
In many ways the D&C was much easier than this natural miscarriage. Even though it involved an anaesthetic which made me feel shocking afterwards, I still found the D&C much easier. I only had cramping the night of the procedure, and only very light spotting afterwards which only lasted a day or two.
I have found the natural miscarriage worse. As I’ve already mentioned, the cramps were excruciating. I had to dose myself up on Panadol and Nurofen, which still didn ‘t ease the cramps. Being able to physically see the remnants of the pregnancy leave my body also was emotionally wounding. It sounds completely gross I know, but every time I went to the toilet I couldn’t ‘t help but think if the huge clot that passed was our little embryo. I miss our embryo, and I ‘m sorry that I couldn’t nurture you for longer and keep you safe little embryo.
Thankfully the heavy bleeding, clots and cramps have eased now, indicating the miscarriage is mostly over, and a fresh start is near.
While yes we are upset that our miracle IVF baby couldn’t stay with us, and I am somewhat disappointed in my body for failing me once again, we are looking towards the future, to a fresh start, which will hopefully result in a rainbow sometime soon.
On Friday, by coincidence, my herbs from my naturopath arrived. I think this was almost a psychic occurrence. Somehow those herbs knew I needed them! The herbs made me feel somewhat better about everything, and gave me something to look towards even though I was going through the physical experience of miscarriage.
So now I add to my morning routine, 5ml of herbs to regulate my hormones again, a probiotic which has been shown to help with fertility, and a high grade fish oil (not a cheap one, as they contain mercury). On top of this, it has been recommended that I cut out red meat altogether (which is doable) and dairy (which I will struggle with) to help boost my immune system and stop the endometriosis from growing back. I really want to give it a shot but it is going to take some determination. But surely I can find some determination to do this, just like I always manage to find some small piece of determination from somewhere to keep trying and not give up on our dream of being parents. But how will I ever go without chocolate?! Lol.
For now, I am pleased to have closure. To know my ovaries are safe. It wasn’t ectopic. And the miscarriage is finally over. I don’t have to sit around and wait anymore. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Seriously. And for now, we will just look towards the future and enjoy a break from the stresses of TTC. Enjoy each other and enjoy life again.