All the Things We’ve Put On Hold

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Since starting the long, arduous journey of trying to have a baby, there have been many things Troy and I have “put on hold” in our lives. Who would’ve thought “trying” to have a baby would affect our lives so much.. I thought that was what happened once the baby came along! How naive was I. Trying to conceive was meant to be the easy part.

# 1. The first thing we’ve put on hold is a wedding. It was a year along in our journey of TTC, that we got engaged. How happy I am that I have found the man of my dreams, that we want to have babies together and be sweethearts forever. But unfortunately a wedding will have to wait. My fertility and our chances of having children come first. Especially with my declining egg count. Weddings cost money and so does IVF. Yes I often daydream of the excitement of organising a wedding. Choosing a wedding dress, walking down the aisle and marrying the one I truly love. Dancing the bridal waltz together. But what’s a piece of paper anyway? The chance to marry my darling will always be there, because we know we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together, but the opportunity to have babies may not be. Someday we will officially be husband and wife.

# 2. We have put on hold buying an acreage or block of land. We live in town and have dreadful, noisy neighbours. We’ve been wanting to move out of town for some time now to escape their wild parties that continue until early hours of the morning and keep us awake all night. How could we nurture a baby in that environment? We’d managed to save up a nice deposit to firstly renovate our current house ready for selling, and then we had plans to buy an acreage, with a beautiful house, and lots of space to have as many animals as we want. Troy looked at real estate on the internet every weekend. His bank manager had given us the paperwork and verbally guaranteed us we’d be able to get a loan to buy the block we had our eyes set on. But then, our fertility specialist discovered endometriosis, then came IVF, and our deposit has now disappeared down the gurgler. Our dream will have to wait until the priority of IVF is no longer on our agenda and we can once again save money.

# 3. The biggest thing we’ve put on hold is our lives. The constant thoughts of “what if” stop us from doing so many things. Our social life has suffered. We don’t want to go out with friends in fear of:
a) wasting money which we need to save
b) we can’t binge drink like our friends- don’t they know how this affects one’s fertility and
c) we don’t feel like we fit in because we are the odd ones out- we have no children, aren’t married and are infertile. We have noticed many of our friends have distanced themselves from us and no longer make any effort with us as a result of these indifferences. We also find we distance ourselves from certain family members for the exact same reason. That’s another thing we’ve put on hold!

#4. Relationships. We have held off on sustaining relationships with family, as the constant hurdles mean we don’t have the time or the strength to maintain one sided relationships. We need to worry about ourselves and achieving our dream, not worrying about others.

#5. Holidays. We haven ‘t been on a holiday together in a long time as a result of again that “what if” thinking. What if I get pregnant before we go? What if I miscarry while on holiday? What if we need the money wasted on a holiday to do another IVF cycle?

#6. Our dreams of becoming parents have been taken from us and put on hold twice now. As each month passes and another big fat negative is realised, another miscarriage occurs or another fertility problem is encountered, our dream is crushed once more. We always get back up and fight for our dreams of being a Mum and Dad once more, but how long can we continue this fight for? How long are we willing to wait for this dream to become a reality? How long can we put all these things on hold for? At what point do we call it quits? It’s been almost been 2 years of fighting for that dream now, I don’t know whether I could go on another 2 more years.

As I sit here and think of what else we have put on hold in our lives, I could almost cry. As this list could easily continue to over 100 things we’ve put on hold I am sure. But I will not continue to depress myself in trying to list them all, as I know that Troy and I have come so far as a result of all we have been through. So while I am sad to think of all the things we have put on hold in our lives and the dreams we have lost, I must focus on the positives we have gained from all this, even though that is hard sometimes, so very hard. Perhaps the future will be clear one day soon.

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