My crazy, useless body

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So once again, I am back to thinking that my body is just crazy and useless. I know I should appreciate it more, after all, the job of creating a pregnancy is hard work, but how can I when all it does is fail me?

I am waiting for my first period post miscarriage, and my body just isn’t playing the game. In fact I don’t even think I’ve ovulated this month. So who knows when I’ll get my period. Stupid body. It never does what it’s meant to. My basal body temperatures have been very low. My hormones have to be out of whack. I usually have a 30 day cycle, and am currently up to CD 35. I have some very very light discoloured discharge, but not enough to warrant even wearing a liner. I’ve had light cramping that comes and goes. Some days it’s there, some days it’s not. I’ve been feeling hormonal and irritable. Most days I get frustrated at the smallest of things. The herbs I am taking obviously haven’t helped to regulate my cycles yet. Why do I bother doing all the right things like taking herbs? My body doesn’t appreciate it. I just want to know what is going on! The uncertainty continues. We are having a break from TTC to avoid the uncertainty, and here it is still haunting me. I just want AF to come to restore some normality.

We have an appointment with my FS tomorrow to discuss what went wrong with our last IVF, and discuss a future plan. I of course will be quizzing him about my periods and why they haven’t shown yet. I’m terrified something is wrong.

Questions I will be asking:
– What caused our embryo to terminate?
– Why did we need to use ICSI and how can we improve Troy’s sperm?
– How can we improve our embryo quality to get some to freeze next time instead?
– What approach will you use next time? (Which drugs etc)
– Why haven’t I got a period yet? (Is this a concern?)

While I’m looking forward to getting some answers and closure on our last cycle, I also feel anxious about the next steps. Will it be more involved next time since our last 2 cycles have failed ? Will he suggest donor eggs or sperm? While we aren’t going to do our next IVF cycle until September, I can’t help but think we shouldn’t be letting time slip away. I’m terrified the endometriosis will grow back in that time- after all it will be exactly a year since I had it removed when we do the next cycle. And I have been proven so many times my body isn’t normal. So much to think about…

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