This week has been the kind of week I despise. A week full of emotions. As we gear up to start the ball rolling for our FET in the coming weeks and face the excitement of another possibility for our dream to come true, BAM it hits me in the face, crushing my heart. Yes, that’s right. In the space of 1 week, this has happened 3 times!! In 1 week I have witnessed 3 pregnancy announcements on Facebook.
I guess you could call it jealously. Yes I am jealous I am not the one announcing a pregnancy. We have never got to announce any of our pregnancies to the world. And yes, I am jealous I am not the one that can be naive about and enjoy being pregnant. I am jealous I do not get to experience that feeling of pure, utter joy. I do remember that feeling, but each time it’s been stripped from us. How lucky these women are and I am genuinely happy they get such a beautiful experience, but when will it ever be my turn?
The 3 in 1 couldn’t come at a better time. As I face yet another fertility treatment, others slap me in the face with this stark reminder. The stark reminder that it isn’t that easy for us, the stark reminder that we are still empty handed after 2 years, and the stark reminder that the upcoming treatment may not be successful and we may continue to have empty hearts and arms.
I really hope and pray to God that this time will be the one, because to be honest, I don’t know how many more times I can be exposed to the 3 in 1. I should really be an expert at this by now, but each time it hurts just as much. Sometimes I just wish I could wrap myself up in bubble wrap or hide under a rock away from the world.
Please God, be the one.