As we gear up for another fresh cycle of IVF next month, I can’t help but feel a feeling of uselessness.
You see, today is the second time I have had a wee 6 year old who I teach, excitedly announce a pregnancy.
The first time, it was a delightful, little boy announcing his Mum’s third pregnancy, and the second which occurred today was a sweet innocent little girl announcing her Aunty’s second pregnancy.
That was all good, I could easily deal with the announcements. I feel excitement and happiness for others every time I hear about a little miracle being nurtured, growing and being loved.
But man, I’m ashamed of the jealousy I feel, and for placing such disregard on my inefficient body. The latest announcement is from a woman who is successfully pregnant after having one tube removed from a previous ectopic pregnancy. Sure… some may call this jealously, and yes I guess I am jealous. Jealous that my reproductive organs which are still completely in tact and functioning correctly, still cannot bless my body with a beautiful pregnancy, some 2 years+ later.
I feel useless. Maybe someday my body will play the game and do its thing. Or maybe it won’t and I’ll be a cat lady forever.
Well it’s safe to say, my hypnotherapy strategies aren’t working. Because today, I am completely sick of having feelings. Why? Because I can’t stop them, and it feels like on a constant daily basis they are put through the mill. Feelings of anxiousness, despair, depression, frustration, exhaustion, emotional turmoil, failure. Why? It’s simple. Because of reality. The reality of being smacked in the face once more. By other people’s realities. We continue to make sacrifices, in order to MAYBE achieve one dream, and others don’t have to do anything to achieve theirs. That’s if it was a dream of theirs in the first place. People who don’t appreciate how god damn lucky they are. If only I could hide from the world for the rest of my life. I hate having feelings.. There’s no on and off button, just a whirlwind of feelings…
In the infertility game, it is hard to stay positive. Especially with a plethora of terms that force one’s mindset to think negatively all the time.
With the help of a hypnotherapist, I will think more positively. We are not “trying” to conceive, but practicing. I am not “infertile”, but fertility challenged. I did not have a “miscarriage”, but instead I was successful with getting pregnant… twice!!!
Here’s hoping the positive thinking and anxiety techniques will help prepare me psychologically for a third IVF cycle soon.