If Having a Baby was Easy…

As many of you would know, I am midway through the horrendous two-week wait period, as a result of our third IVF transfer, and 4th IVF attempt. We await a blood test on Friday to confirm whether it has been successful or not. And in an instant, our hopes and dreams will be stripped from us again.

I must say, it has been the worst 2 weeks of my life. I have spent the two weeks feeling an emotional mess. Most days I find it hard to face life in general.  I guess that’s what happens when you spend it at home, resting, with too much thinking time. Time to think about the what if’s. Being a Mummy, and how that will actually feel. And the thinking time to comprehend the “What next?” when this one doesn’t work. It terrifies me. I am scared. I have never been this scared in my life.

I know deep down in my heart that we are out this time. In fact I KNOW this one has been unsuccessful. Testing out the Pregnyl makes it pretty certain. There will be no surprises. There was never really much hope from the beginning with our poorly graded embryos. It has been a failure cycle from word go, even though I tried to make everything right. Taking long service leave at the right time, to assist with all our travelling to appointments and reduce my work related stress levels was meant to result in a positive outcome, but I know all the plans will fall through, and again we will be left empty, with no baby in my womb.

This is the terrifying part. The “What next”. I have done lots of thinking and I just don’t know what will be next. By 4 cycles, one would think a couple our age would have some success by now. I know as a result of this cycle, that it is apparent that I have crap egg quality. But what more can I do? We have tried everything. All the supplements possible from my Acupuncturist and Naturopath. It’s been over 2 years of trying, and almost 2 years of trying every natural therapy on top of my fertility treatment. It’s starting to hurt the pocket and the mind. What do we do next? I am all out of ideas. I did the sensible thing and even took long service leave this time to allow by body to rest and aid in implantation and look where that got me. There’s nothing more that I can possibly think of to help. I just hope my fertility specialist has some ideas when we see him for a post failed cycle appointment. I am absolutely terrified that he will suggest using donor eggs. I know it is a feasible option, and for some couples, results in them getting their beautiful baby. But man. I would still like to think that my 29 year old eggs aren’t that bad yet. I just want my own biological children.

I am having trouble coping, and wonder if I am ever meant to be a Mum. How much longer can I keep doing this intense drug regime for? My body is suffering. I am only just starting to come back to life again after the transfer, as a result of having a mild case of ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome- AGAIN. OHSS is usually a result of overstimulation of the ovaries, and usually women with a high number of follicles suffer it, but obviously the 7 eggs that we got was a hard slog for my poor ovaries and they were trying to tell me they’ve had enough by giving me the OHSS. How much longer do I keep flogging my ovaries for? Do we take a break for a while in the hope that my poor egg count won’t deplete any further? Do we give up on our dream now? before we are literally broke of so many things?  So many questions I wish I knew the answers to. So many decisions to make.

For now, I will continue wishing I was a cool kid, coz then I’d be fertile and having a baby would be easy.

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