It’s been a while since I blogged. The truth is, I’ve been preoccupied. I have kept up with everyone else’s posts though and enjoyed reading so many stories of success. So thankyou.
I’ve been preoccupied focussing on our fourth stimulated IVF cycle. Putting my all, every effort, every possible energy into making it a positive outcome. Currently, I am in the two week wait, and will find out official results on the 29th of December. I don’t have a good feeling about it though.
The truth is, lately, I have been going through the hardest phase in my life. Struggling to understand what my life has become. Struggling to understand at what point we call it quits. I don’t know who I am anymore. I have to go to counselling. In fact, after this cycle ends in a bfn, I am going to demand some anxiety/depression medication. Life just doesn’t interest me anymore. Our relationship is affected- we’re no longer the carefree lovers we used to be. Finances are becoming tight. We can’t achieve any of our other life goals while IVF is in the road. I don’t see myself ever becoming a Mum. I will never hold a baby in my arms. I feel a failure. My body as it seems doesn’t want to play the game. I’m now at the point where I am scared. Scared of what the future holds for me. IVF just means another failure. All the commitment we put in, for what reason? Statistics say 85% of couples achieve success with IVF within the first 2/3 cycles. Another statistic we don’t fall into. I really don’t know how much more I can take. My heart is broken. But it’s our only option to have a family. My body is depleted from all the drugs, my mind, my self esteem and my emotions are on the rocks. This is just the worst I have felt about trying to conceive. I feel like giving up. There is no hope. Nothing. Right now, my aim is to get through Christmas (we’ll be spending it alone since both our families have not attempted to include us). I hate what infertility has done to our lives. I’m scared. I’m grieving yet another loss. I’m alone. It’s quite clear we have very few to support us through this mess. How will we go on? What will yet another failure mean?