An Empty Womb Once Again

Yesterday I started bleeding bright red. Sure- bleeding can be normal in some pregnancies, but I knew, it wasn’t normal for me. We had arranged dinner at Troy’s parents last night. It was a struggle. To put on a happy face and try to be sociable, knowing that any moment, blood may come gushing, indicating the start of a miscarriage.

Thankfully, there’s been no gushing blood yet, but this morning I woke with that all familiar period cramping, and some clotting beginning to pass when I wipe. A miscarriage is imminent. My body is trying so hard to do its thing, the pessaries I’m still taking are just doing their job in halting it all a day or so longer. This will be our third loss. Our fourth failed IVF cycle this year.

To make matters worse, we need to make the 4 hr drive to Brisbane today to be at my clinic tomorrow to have my second BT, which was meant to confirm a viable, progressing pregnancy (with great HCG numbers) but instead they will give me the bad news that my levels have now decreased. Sitting in a car for 4 hrs, driving over a bumpy road while cramping and anticipating a miscarriage should just be great fun!

So once again we are completely shattered. We both cried on our way home from Troy’s parents last night. I wish I could make Troy happy instead of seeing him upset. He thought it was the one, just as much as me. With such great HCG numbers, which earlier in the week doubled, we thought this would be our miracle. But once again, we have been teased. Ripped off by our clinic a second time. Another $12 000 out of our pockets which probably funded our fertility specialists month long vacation, and a broken heart to accompany it.

I’m not even sure anymore what the future holds for us now. Even though i knew this pregnancy didn’t feel right (absence of pregnancy symptoms), it still hurts incredibly. Another slap in the face. It seems like we will never be parents. Never before have I felt like this. Previous times, miscarriages have given me hope that we can indeed get pregnant, but this time I just feel numb. IVF is our only option to conceive, yet, how much longer do we keep doing this to ourselves? I’ve had 4 egg pick ups and 4 transfers this year, 2 of which were pregnancies that have failed. We are emotionally and (me) physically wrecked. I’m just incredibly terrified of IVF now and the heartache it brings. So once again,I wait in limbo for my womb to be empty… At least once the miscarriage begins, I will no longer be taunted and reminded of this failure with these little pregnancy symptoms I have been feeling, like frequent urination, sore enlarged boobs, extreme hunger and heartburn.

To our little one: We have never been so joyous and “truly happy” as this Christmas & New Year when we discovered you were on board. You brought us so much hope, true happiness & joy. But just like the cruel joke life is, we won’t get to hold our you, out third precious baby, in our arms. We love you so much little one. Always in Mummy & Daddy’s heart.

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17 thoughts on “An Empty Womb Once Again

  1. MrsPearce

    Oh Dani. Im so so sorry. Im praying so hard for you guys that the bleeding doesnt mean a miscarriage. Remember that miracles can happen. We had four miscarriages and then conceived Henry so it can and will happen for you guys i know it. Youre already amazing parents ❤️ take it easy on yourselves xx

    Reply
    1. danielle284 Post author

      Thankyou Annika. Miracles do happen all the time, just beginning to lose hope it’ll ever happen for us given our fertility issues. But i’ll continue to dream.

      Reply
  2. splitmom

    Oh, I am so so sorry for your loss. I know how heartbreaking it is. My husband and I ttc for two years before getting pregnant for the first time. That pregnancy ended in mc at 7w4d. Over the next year and a half, we had 2 more devastating mc’ and I had almost lost hope. I got a new OB and was put on progesterone, and our next pregnancy stuck, and resulted in our precious baby girl. I know how dark the road seems now, but there is still hope!

    Reply

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