A Bad Day

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Today has been a bad day. Shocking. Awful. Terrible. Yes, I’m still 9w 4d pregnant. Yes, my scan on Friday just gone showed everything is still fine with this pregnancy. Yes, I’m carrying 2 beautiful babies still. Yes, my spotting has eased greatly. But I just can’t wipe the FEAR from my mind. I keep thinking that something will go wrong. I haven’t felt as many symptoms the last few days. I’m sick in my stomach and just feel like crying. I can’t function or manage to do anything else but wonder “what if”. I’ve pretty much moped all day thinking about the worst, brainwashing myself and preparing myself for the worst. I hate how the innocence of being a pregnant woman is something I will never feel. I want to enjoy this pregnancy, but I keep thinking of the worst. I wish I’d never experienced a miscarriage, then I wouldn’t be faced with these negative thoughts. I am so scared. I wish I could see and feel my babies everyday to know they are indeed okay. I hope things don’t turn bad. For now, I have to wait until this Friday for my next obstetrician appointment to know if things are okay. It really is just one day at a time.

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14 thoughts on “A Bad Day

  1. splitmom

    Hi Danielle. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way, it’s only natural after a (multiple) mc’s. What helped me was that I bought a fetal Doppler online. Like the ones they’ll use at the dr office to listen to the babies. You can start to hear the heartbeat with a Doppler by 10 weeks. There are good tutorial videos and how-to’s on YouTube. I think mine was about $60 usd. It was so comforting to listen to that galloping heartbeat every time I was afraid for the baby, so I highly recommend it.

    Reply
  2. mevsinfertility

    I remember those early days of blinding fear all too well. I’m sorry you have to go through all of this. It stinks! I wish I could take away your fear and worry but we both know that’s impossible. I would have a blissful 2-3 days after an appointment where I would feel confident and convince myself I would remain positive. But then the fear would creep back in. During those times of fear I would repeat over and over to myself, “right now everything is ok.” Sometimes it would only take a few times of repeating it, others it would take a lot more. But I did find that it helped. I would also look at the ultrasound pictures a lot. That visual reminder that my baby was alive and thriving in spite of my fears was helpful.

    Above all else, try not to beat yourself up. It’s completely normal to have doubts and fears, especially after what you’ve been through. If you’re able, try to remember that what happened in the past doesn’t mean the same thing will happen this time. And when you’re able to daydream about your future with your babies, or recognize a pregnancy symptom as a sign that your babies are continuing to grow, embrace those moments! And feel proud that you let yourself hope and dream in spite of the fears.

    I promise it will get easier. The fear will continue to find ways to creep in as your pregnancy progresses, but those moments will happen less and less. Hang in there, dear!

    Reply
    1. danielle284 Post author

      You nailed it on the head! The first few days after a scan is bliss, then the fear creeps in. I have used the positive affirmations, but am finding they just really aren’t helping this time. Thank goodness my scan is tomorrow! Thanks so much fir yjur understanding and “getting it”.

      Reply
  3. MrsPearce

    One day at a time… Sometimes its one hour at a time. Take it easy on yourself. Your fears are justified and very real and just take every hour as it comes. I am continuing to believe for yoi that your beautiful babies are okay xx

    Reply
    1. danielle284 Post author

      Hi, Thankyou. You are so very thoughtful! I’ve still had random issues with bleeding. But the twins are all good. Will be 15 weeks on Monday. I’ve been a very slack blogger lately, just focussing on me & my babies. Hope you are well. X

      Reply
      1. mevsinfertility

        Hi! I’m sorry to hear about the continued bleeding. I know how stressful that is. But so happy to hear the babies are good. 15 weeks, very exciting! Thanks for the update. You will continue to be in my thoughts.

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