Limbo Land

Welcome to limbo land.
🌅✈️🚁🚂🚌🚗🚖🚛

A place where the future is unknown and you can’t move on with the rest of your life until it miraculously and with time sorts itself out and becomes apparent of an outcome. A place where you are unable to focus your mind on anything else but the “what ifs” and all the different outcomes that may eventuate.

This is the place I am, limbo land.

Today I had a repeat HCG taken at my clinic expecting it to drop majorly since I had a bleed and cramping over the weekend.

Since last Tuesday, my HCG levels have risen, yes risen, from 1670 to 15490, which according to my clinic is spot on. I’m stunned. I’m confused. I don’t know what to think anymore. I thought I knew my body and what it was doing. But it appears i have no idea.

I still haven’t gotten excited, and remain cautious. The spotting and cramping I have been left with terrifies me. Even though the spotting has eased considerably, I still feel quite crampy. I’ve never had it before, but then again, I’ve never had a successful pregnancy before either. So how can I make such assumptions. The clinic has taken me off the pessaries now too, as my progesterone levels continue to shoot through the roof at 1032 today. I’m worried. That ceasing the pessaries may increase the bleeding more. The clinic don’t want anymore bloods for 2 weeks! 2 weeks until my FS returns from holidays. 2 weeks until my first scan with my FS when he returns. I have calculated today (for the first time) that I am around 5 weeks 3 days. The clinic has also recommended complete bed rest until things settle down.

I am seeing my GP tomorrow in the hope that she may monitor me more closely and allow an earlier scan to check the location of the pregnancy and rule out any complications like ectopic pregnancy or a blighted ovum. Bearing in mind that every time I need bloods or medical attention, it involves a car trip to the nearest medical facilities at a more populated town, not our tiny regional town that is incapable of dealing with me. GP is 1 hour away, bloods 1-1 and a half hours away, FS clinic- 4 hrs away. Lately it feels like we may as well live in the car. But I am so grateful that Troy can be my own personal chauffeur and assist me while he is still on holidays. I still have no pregnancy symptoms. In fact I think they’re easing even more- my breasts feel nowhere near as sore.

My Acupuncturist did an anti-miscarriage treatment on me today and she has given me a new batch of the anti-miscarriage Chinese herbs to take again too.

I feel as though I’m a bad mother and not giving our tiny baby the recognition and love it deserves. I do love our tiny embryo to bits and just hope it can stay and Mummy’s heart isn’t broken again. I was all prepared psychologically and emotionally for a pending miscarriage. Here’s hoping this little fighter can hang on and make 2015 the best year yet.

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An Empty Womb Once Again

Yesterday I started bleeding bright red. Sure- bleeding can be normal in some pregnancies, but I knew, it wasn’t normal for me. We had arranged dinner at Troy’s parents last night. It was a struggle. To put on a happy face and try to be sociable, knowing that any moment, blood may come gushing, indicating the start of a miscarriage.

Thankfully, there’s been no gushing blood yet, but this morning I woke with that all familiar period cramping, and some clotting beginning to pass when I wipe. A miscarriage is imminent. My body is trying so hard to do its thing, the pessaries I’m still taking are just doing their job in halting it all a day or so longer. This will be our third loss. Our fourth failed IVF cycle this year.

To make matters worse, we need to make the 4 hr drive to Brisbane today to be at my clinic tomorrow to have my second BT, which was meant to confirm a viable, progressing pregnancy (with great HCG numbers) but instead they will give me the bad news that my levels have now decreased. Sitting in a car for 4 hrs, driving over a bumpy road while cramping and anticipating a miscarriage should just be great fun!

So once again we are completely shattered. We both cried on our way home from Troy’s parents last night. I wish I could make Troy happy instead of seeing him upset. He thought it was the one, just as much as me. With such great HCG numbers, which earlier in the week doubled, we thought this would be our miracle. But once again, we have been teased. Ripped off by our clinic a second time. Another $12 000 out of our pockets which probably funded our fertility specialists month long vacation, and a broken heart to accompany it.

I’m not even sure anymore what the future holds for us now. Even though i knew this pregnancy didn’t feel right (absence of pregnancy symptoms), it still hurts incredibly. Another slap in the face. It seems like we will never be parents. Never before have I felt like this. Previous times, miscarriages have given me hope that we can indeed get pregnant, but this time I just feel numb. IVF is our only option to conceive, yet, how much longer do we keep doing this to ourselves? I’ve had 4 egg pick ups and 4 transfers this year, 2 of which were pregnancies that have failed. We are emotionally and (me) physically wrecked. I’m just incredibly terrified of IVF now and the heartache it brings. So once again,I wait in limbo for my womb to be empty… At least once the miscarriage begins, I will no longer be taunted and reminded of this failure with these little pregnancy symptoms I have been feeling, like frequent urination, sore enlarged boobs, extreme hunger and heartburn.

To our little one: We have never been so joyous and “truly happy” as this Christmas & New Year when we discovered you were on board. You brought us so much hope, true happiness & joy. But just like the cruel joke life is, we won’t get to hold our you, out third precious baby, in our arms. We love you so much little one. Always in Mummy & Daddy’s heart.

Maybe Miracles Do Exist!

Maybe miracles do exist!! And god has listened to our prayers. And my angel babies and Grandma are watching over me.

I got my bloods taken yesterday at my GP to check on levels since the clinic won’t redo them until Monday.

HCG was 1670 at 18dp2dt and progesterone was 958!! According to this beaut calculator, my levels have doubled spot on, can’t believe it! Troy has been calling me a “Yummy Mummy”, but I still can’t help but feel like we can’t get excited just yet, until the third blood test on Monday. Keep growing little one. You’ve proven already just how strong you are.

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532

Saturday’s HCG levels were 532. Well and truly pregnant. My clinic likes them at or above 100 at 14dp2dt. I won’t have another BT until 1 week time. Apparently standard practice at my clinic. But I am going to go to my GP tomorrow to get a BT and hopefully they may just rise.

I just have this feeling my levels won’t rise, as my pregnancy symptoms have disappeared and my POAS’s haven’t changed. Part of me wants to be excited, we’ve never had such high levels! Am I protecting myself too much? Is it just all in my head? The next week waiting isn’t going to be easy. I will pray that a miracle happens in the meantime.

A Birthday Wish- Part 2

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Another year has passed, and it is my lovely fiancé Troy’s 31st birthday.

A few days ago, I thought I would have the best birthday present in the world to give my fiancé, a pregnancy that would finally make him a Dad. But instead, I have nothing to give him. Broken dreams, a harsh reality.

But it seems it will all be taken from us, and Troy’s birthday will be spent dreaming about the “what ifs”.

My pregnancy tests haven’t gotten darker, my pregnancy symptoms are easing, so the reality is, our second IVF pregnancy will most likely end as another miscarriage too.

I am going to try my hardest to hold it together today and make Troy’s birthday enjoyable for him, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry once more.

Please know I love you my darling, and I wish I could have given you more this birthday. It’s really bad timing this has eventuated at the time it has. I just wish I could give you more….

Loosing Hope

This mornings POAS test line was lighter than previous days. I really want this to be the one. So damn worried. Wish I could have my BT today like I was meant to (but no, it’s Boxing Day). I feel my morning sickness symptoms I had started to feel, are not as bad this morning. I woke with sharp stabbing pains in my belly button at 4am this morning, which subsided after 10 minutes or so. I just assumed they were OHSS associated pains. Such a stressful wait. I want the wait to be over, and to have glorious news that we are pregnant with healthy, increasing Beta numbers.

The Best Christmas Present in the World

Christmas 2014. Possibly the best ever!!! 13dp2dt.

Did another POAS this morning. Seems the line has now darkened and the test line is darker than the control line. This brings a HUGE relief for good numbers at the blood test on Saturday!! While I am still being reserved and not allowing myself too much of a chance to get excited (as I know how quickly things can change in early pregnancy), this is a darn good start! I just wish we could be like other couples and be happy at this news and not have to worry about the what ifs. Please continue to grow little one. My little miracle.

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