The unknown continues, and it’s driving me absolutely bonkers.
On Saturday, my spotting intensified in colour. Still the regular brown colour which is meant to be ok in early pregnancy and indicate old blood. But it concerned me. As it had increased in volume. But like my clinic and GP advised me, what the hell can I do about it? Just relax and just rest. Just wait.
I had arranged days ago, with a friend to have lunch which was nice and proved a nice distraction. It was good to catch up with her. But over lunch I noticed some back ache had started- possible miscarriage pain? I worried the whole time.
By the time I got home, I had some abdominal cramps, back pain but no bleeding as yet. I turned the aircon on in our bedroom, took some Panadol and slept for a few hours. When I got up, I needed to go to the toilet. I didn’t want to. It scared me as to what I would find. To my nightmare, bright red blood and some large clots passed in the toilet. The twins? I’m miscarrying. I’m 6w2d. I just can’t seem to get past the 6 weeks mark. All of my pregnancies seem to fail then. I cried in bed and cuddled Troy for comfort, accepting that it’s most likely over. Why can’t life be fair?
Today, the spotting has continued, bleeding has seemed to ease, some mild cramping but nothing more. I still haven’t moved from bed, apart from for toilet trips and to have a shower. I felt so weak and like I was going to black out trying to have a shower. I just wish I knew what the hell is going in. Are my babies alive? Surely if I were miscarrying the bleeding would continue, with large clotting and excruciating pain, like my previous two miscarriages. Being an IVF pregnancy I would also expect a heavy bleed, like other IVF cycles, since the drugs have built up my lining so much. Though how could my beautiful twins be alive after passing such large clots and bleeding? It’s not as simple as just going to the hospital to get checked. Being in a regional area, our hospital is useless. I just want reassurance, care and monitoring. Never before have I felt so isolated. So tomorrow hopefully we will head back to Bundaberg and get some answers. I am due for another HCG test, and I’m hoping my GP may request another scan to find out whether the twins are still alive. I just wish I felt pregnant. That would help. I really hope one way or the other, that this can get sorted before another week, when I head back to work. If I am miscarrying, I don’t want it to drag out. Just get it over with so we can move on and pick ourselves up. It feels like my whole 6 weeks of holidays has been spent in limbo, waiting to see how many eggs fertilise, waiting to see how many embryos survive until transfer, waiting to see if we get any embryos to freeze, waiting the dreaded 2 weeks to see if it’ll implant, waiting for my first HCG BT, waiting a whole week until the second HCG BT to see if levels rise, waiting for the spotting to stop, waiting for what seems to be an inevitable miscarriage. What a great holiday. I can’t wait for it to be over. I don’t feel refreshed and revived at all. Hoping tomorrow brings some answers.