Tag Archives: cramping

The Unknown Continues

The unknown continues, and it’s driving me absolutely bonkers.

On Saturday, my spotting intensified in colour. Still the regular brown colour which is meant to be ok in early pregnancy and indicate old blood. But it concerned me. As it had increased in volume. But like my clinic and GP advised me, what the hell can I do about it? Just relax and just rest. Just wait.

I had arranged days ago, with a friend to have lunch which was nice and proved a nice distraction. It was good to catch up with her. But over lunch I noticed some back ache had started- possible miscarriage pain? I worried the whole time.

By the time I got home, I had some abdominal cramps, back pain but no bleeding as yet. I turned the aircon on in our bedroom, took some Panadol and slept for a few hours. When I got up, I needed to go to the toilet. I didn’t want to. It scared me as to what I would find. To my nightmare, bright red blood and some large clots passed in the toilet. The twins? I’m miscarrying. I’m 6w2d. I just can’t seem to get past the 6 weeks mark. All of my pregnancies seem to fail then. I cried in bed and cuddled Troy for comfort, accepting that it’s most likely over. Why can’t life be fair?

Today, the spotting has continued, bleeding has seemed to ease, some mild cramping but nothing more. I still haven’t moved from bed, apart from for toilet trips and to have a shower. I felt so weak and like I was going to black out trying to have a shower. I just wish I knew what the hell is going in. Are my babies alive? Surely if I were miscarrying the bleeding would continue, with large clotting and excruciating pain, like my previous two miscarriages. Being an IVF pregnancy I would also expect a heavy bleed, like other IVF cycles, since the drugs have built up my lining so much. Though how could my beautiful twins be alive after passing such large clots and bleeding? It’s not as simple as just going to the hospital to get checked. Being in a regional area, our hospital is useless. I just want reassurance, care and monitoring. Never before have I felt so isolated. So tomorrow hopefully we will head back to Bundaberg and get some answers. I am due for another HCG test, and I’m hoping my GP may request another scan to find out whether the twins are still alive. I just wish I felt pregnant. That would help. I really hope one way or the other, that this can get sorted before another week, when I head back to work. If I am miscarrying, I don’t want it to drag out. Just get it over with so we can move on and pick ourselves up. It feels like my whole 6 weeks of holidays has been spent in limbo, waiting to see how many eggs fertilise, waiting to see how many embryos survive until transfer, waiting to see if we get any embryos to freeze, waiting the dreaded 2 weeks to see if it’ll implant, waiting for my first HCG BT, waiting a whole week until the second HCG BT to see if levels rise, waiting for the spotting to stop, waiting for what seems to be an inevitable miscarriage. What a great holiday. I can’t wait for it to be over. I don’t feel refreshed and revived at all. Hoping tomorrow brings some answers.

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Limbo Land

Welcome to limbo land.
πŸŒ…βœˆοΈπŸšπŸš‚πŸšŒπŸš—πŸš–πŸš›

A place where the future is unknown and you can’t move on with the rest of your life until it miraculously and with time sorts itself out and becomes apparent of an outcome. A place where you are unable to focus your mind on anything else but the “what ifs” and all the different outcomes that may eventuate.

This is the place I am, limbo land.

Today I had a repeat HCG taken at my clinic expecting it to drop majorly since I had a bleed and cramping over the weekend.

Since last Tuesday, my HCG levels have risen, yes risen, from 1670 to 15490, which according to my clinic is spot on. I’m stunned. I’m confused. I don’t know what to think anymore. I thought I knew my body and what it was doing. But it appears i have no idea.

I still haven’t gotten excited, and remain cautious. The spotting and cramping I have been left with terrifies me. Even though the spotting has eased considerably, I still feel quite crampy. I’ve never had it before, but then again, I’ve never had a successful pregnancy before either. So how can I make such assumptions. The clinic has taken me off the pessaries now too, as my progesterone levels continue to shoot through the roof at 1032 today. I’m worried. That ceasing the pessaries may increase the bleeding more. The clinic don’t want anymore bloods for 2 weeks! 2 weeks until my FS returns from holidays. 2 weeks until my first scan with my FS when he returns. I have calculated today (for the first time) that I am around 5 weeks 3 days. The clinic has also recommended complete bed rest until things settle down.

I am seeing my GP tomorrow in the hope that she may monitor me more closely and allow an earlier scan to check the location of the pregnancy and rule out any complications like ectopic pregnancy or a blighted ovum. Bearing in mind that every time I need bloods or medical attention, it involves a car trip to the nearest medical facilities at a more populated town, not our tiny regional town that is incapable of dealing with me. GP is 1 hour away, bloods 1-1 and a half hours away, FS clinic- 4 hrs away. Lately it feels like we may as well live in the car. But I am so grateful that Troy can be my own personal chauffeur and assist me while he is still on holidays. I still have no pregnancy symptoms. In fact I think they’re easing even more- my breasts feel nowhere near as sore.

My Acupuncturist did an anti-miscarriage treatment on me today and she has given me a new batch of the anti-miscarriage Chinese herbs to take again too.

I feel as though I’m a bad mother and not giving our tiny baby the recognition and love it deserves. I do love our tiny embryo to bits and just hope it can stay and Mummy’s heart isn’t broken again. I was all prepared psychologically and emotionally for a pending miscarriage. Here’s hoping this little fighter can hang on and make 2015 the best year yet.

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