Tag Archives: infertility

I wanted to share this…

So very true to the emotions I’ve been feeling lately…..

This article deals with pregnancy but also the toll that IVF and IF takes on you, even once you are pregnant. http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/parenting/2015/03/17/after-i-v-f-pregnant-but-still-stuck-in-the-past/?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&_r=0&referrer



My thoughts lately

This picture deeply resonates with my thoughts lately… Had to post it to share. Hope others value it as much as me. On a more positive note, I am grateful to have the VERY select few that are here for me through this. Such an isolating journey. Feeling like an outcast and that I don’t belong most days.

I hate feelings

IMG_0690.JPGWell it’s safe to say, my hypnotherapy strategies aren’t working. Because today, I am completely sick of having feelings. Why? Because I can’t stop them, and it feels like on a constant daily basis they are put through the mill. Feelings of anxiousness, despair, depression, frustration, exhaustion, emotional turmoil, failure. Why? It’s simple. Because of reality. The reality of being smacked in the face once more. By other people’s realities. We continue to make sacrifices, in order to MAYBE achieve one dream, and others don’t have to do anything to achieve theirs. That’s if it was a dream of theirs in the first place. People who don’t appreciate how god damn lucky they are. If only I could hide from the world for the rest of my life. I hate having feelings.. There’s no on and off button, just a whirlwind of feelings…

Mother’s Day- Not Just For Those Who Hold Their Children


Mother’s Day. A day founded by Anna Jarvis. She never married and never had kids herself, but she worked hard to bestow honor on all mothers. Anna was one of 11 children, with her mother also being a bereaved mother too, with only four of her children including Anna living until adulthood. Anna Jarvis expressed her desire that someday someone must honor all mothers, living and dead, and pay tribute to the contributions made by them. Hence the creation of a Day to recognise all Mother’s on the 2nd Sunday of May.

So every Mother’s Day, we recognise the vital roles Mother’s play in all of our lives. Where would we be without our Mum’s? And where would I be without Troy’s Mum nurturing and raising the man I love? That said, I know I am privileged to have my Mum, as some aren’t so lucky to have their Mum’s with them to wish Happy Mother’s Day to on this hallmark occasion.

But how about also paying tribute to ALL Mother’s this Mother’s Day? For that is why Anna Jarvis created Mother’s Day. The Mother’s who have lost their babies too early and are still awaiting the chance to become a Mum, and also the women who yearn more than ever the opportunity to become a Mum but haven’t been blessed with that opportunity yet even though they’ve tried so hard. I wish society would remember and acknowledge that these women are Mum’s too. And I am just one of those many women.

Each and every month, I make sacrifices just like any Mum. I sacrifice normality in my life. Giving up eating gluten, dairy, red meat in the hope that it will help me become a Mother. Not drinking coffee, alcohol, the list goes on. I take a swig of vile herbs every day in the hope that it may increase my chance of becoming fertile and thus becoming a Mother. During IVF cycles, I self administer injections of synthetic hormones into my stomach not thinking about the risks or harm those synthetic hormones may cause to my health with diseases such as cancer, but instead the opportunity it creates for me to produce eggs and become a Mum. I sacrifice money. Every cent I earn goes towards fertility treatment and my future child. I have undergone 5 operations in the last 9 months, I dream everyday about becoming a Mum. I dream everyday about my 2 angel babies. I have had 2 miscarriages, lost my dreams, but still carry on doing anything I can to become a Mum.

So this Mother’s Day, I’d like to acknowledge all Mum’s out there. For Mother’s Day is for everyone, not just the Mum’s who hold their children. We must acknowledge the Mum’s who have living babies and children and are doing a magnificent job in raising then into remarkable little human beings, but also the Mum’s out there who have lost their babies too soon, and most importantly I’d like to recognise the Mum’s to be. Although you have no babies (yet), the sacrifices you make to become a Mum are equivalent, if not more than the sacrifices some Mum’s make. And many of you have made bigger sacrifices than me and been on this ride for longer than me. But that’s what makes us Mum’s. No matter how hard it gets, how long it takes, we still battle on trying to achieve our dream of having children one day. We never give up on our future children. And someday soon, hopefully we will have the greatest gift in the world in having that little person call us Mum and having a real life baby to nurture and hold. Happy Mother’s Day! Xx

All the Things We’ve Put On Hold


Since starting the long, arduous journey of trying to have a baby, there have been many things Troy and I have “put on hold” in our lives. Who would’ve thought “trying” to have a baby would affect our lives so much.. I thought that was what happened once the baby came along! How naive was I. Trying to conceive was meant to be the easy part.

# 1. The first thing we’ve put on hold is a wedding. It was a year along in our journey of TTC, that we got engaged. How happy I am that I have found the man of my dreams, that we want to have babies together and be sweethearts forever. But unfortunately a wedding will have to wait. My fertility and our chances of having children come first. Especially with my declining egg count. Weddings cost money and so does IVF. Yes I often daydream of the excitement of organising a wedding. Choosing a wedding dress, walking down the aisle and marrying the one I truly love. Dancing the bridal waltz together. But what’s a piece of paper anyway? The chance to marry my darling will always be there, because we know we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together, but the opportunity to have babies may not be. Someday we will officially be husband and wife.

# 2. We have put on hold buying an acreage or block of land. We live in town and have dreadful, noisy neighbours. We’ve been wanting to move out of town for some time now to escape their wild parties that continue until early hours of the morning and keep us awake all night. How could we nurture a baby in that environment? We’d managed to save up a nice deposit to firstly renovate our current house ready for selling, and then we had plans to buy an acreage, with a beautiful house, and lots of space to have as many animals as we want. Troy looked at real estate on the internet every weekend. His bank manager had given us the paperwork and verbally guaranteed us we’d be able to get a loan to buy the block we had our eyes set on. But then, our fertility specialist discovered endometriosis, then came IVF, and our deposit has now disappeared down the gurgler. Our dream will have to wait until the priority of IVF is no longer on our agenda and we can once again save money.

# 3. The biggest thing we’ve put on hold is our lives. The constant thoughts of “what if” stop us from doing so many things. Our social life has suffered. We don’t want to go out with friends in fear of:
a) wasting money which we need to save
b) we can’t binge drink like our friends- don’t they know how this affects one’s fertility and
c) we don’t feel like we fit in because we are the odd ones out- we have no children, aren’t married and are infertile. We have noticed many of our friends have distanced themselves from us and no longer make any effort with us as a result of these indifferences. We also find we distance ourselves from certain family members for the exact same reason. That’s another thing we’ve put on hold!

#4. Relationships. We have held off on sustaining relationships with family, as the constant hurdles mean we don’t have the time or the strength to maintain one sided relationships. We need to worry about ourselves and achieving our dream, not worrying about others.

#5. Holidays. We haven ‘t been on a holiday together in a long time as a result of again that “what if” thinking. What if I get pregnant before we go? What if I miscarry while on holiday? What if we need the money wasted on a holiday to do another IVF cycle?

#6. Our dreams of becoming parents have been taken from us and put on hold twice now. As each month passes and another big fat negative is realised, another miscarriage occurs or another fertility problem is encountered, our dream is crushed once more. We always get back up and fight for our dreams of being a Mum and Dad once more, but how long can we continue this fight for? How long are we willing to wait for this dream to become a reality? How long can we put all these things on hold for? At what point do we call it quits? It’s been almost been 2 years of fighting for that dream now, I don’t know whether I could go on another 2 more years.

As I sit here and think of what else we have put on hold in our lives, I could almost cry. As this list could easily continue to over 100 things we’ve put on hold I am sure. But I will not continue to depress myself in trying to list them all, as I know that Troy and I have come so far as a result of all we have been through. So while I am sad to think of all the things we have put on hold in our lives and the dreams we have lost, I must focus on the positives we have gained from all this, even though that is hard sometimes, so very hard. Perhaps the future will be clear one day soon.

Christmas through the eyes of a woman who has miscarried and is infertile…

Christmas… a time of celebrating the birth of Jesus, giving and receiving gifts, spending quality time together as a family, eating copious amounts of delicious fattening food and beverages,  enacting family traditions, a time of laughter, joy and being merry. This is the typical Christmas. But for me, a woman who has miscarried and currently travelling on the treacherous path of infertility, this Christmas was different… very different.

Rewinding back to last Christmas (2012), I remember purchasing many gifts for family members, fussing over what scrumptious food I was going to bake, and ensuring time was spent with both sides of our family. We spent Christmas Eve with my family who were camping at the river over the Christmas period. We enjoyed some delicious nibbles, some alcoholic beverages and a dip in the river. And of course we exchanged gifts.  On Christmas Day, we spent time with Troy’s family- again enjoying a delicious home prepared lunch and exchanged gifts with each other, many of which were unnecessary materialistic commodities- which at the time I did not realise. How naïve I was back then.

This Christmas was very different, and I don’t know whether it will ever be the same for me again. We spent the morning with Troy’s family where I prepared many dishes for our hot lunch- consisting of glazed ham and a selection of flavoured vegetables, with dessert being a Berry Trifle. In the afternoon, we went to my parents house (who will be moving towns in the coming weeks) for drinks and nibbles. The whole day was an emotional time for me, and I fought back the emotions, knowing that none of these family members really recognised how tough such a joyous holiday occasion would be for us.

It all started in the lead up to Christmas. Shopping. In a huge shopping centre. All you could hear playing on their sound systems were Christmas Carols. Immediately, they made me feel glum. How was I meant to be happy and sing these Christmas carols, when our angel is not with us, and we have just FAILED our first IVF cycle due to my shocking egg count? Then I also had to face the influx of shoppers. Many of which were women shopping with their broods of kids. Yes, I could cope with that. But the thing that was extremely hard to cope with and made me feel like I’d been slapped across the face was the scenes of women threatening their kids and abusing them if they didn’t quit asking for stuff and stopped being naughty in the shopping centre. It was like a hole in my heart. How can these women act in this manner, when all I want is the glorious gift of being a MUM? Something that they honestly don’t treasure and value.

The emotions continued to play havoc. Instead of visiting Troy’s family like usual, we had to change our schedule of events again to cater for our emotions. Being around Troy’s brother and their new baby which was born around the same time as our angel SHOULD have been due was just too hard to fathom. They still have not recognised our miscarriage or said sorry.

We should be parents, celebrating our first Christmas together with our beautiful baby, but instead we are empty handed with heavy hearts. We didn’t even put up the Christmas Tree this year, give anyone gifts, as the expense of our cancelled IVF cycle has left our bank accounts empty. Not even each other. Our gift to each other will be trying another IVF cycle in January. It hurt that no family members recognised our angel on Christmas Day. We did receive a card from a friend I have made on the SANDS facebook group (which supports bereaved parents from Stillbirth and Miscarriage). It brought so many smiles to my face, the fact that SOMEBODY had taken the time to recognise how hard the Christmas period would be, having lost our angel earlier in the year. Of course other bereaved parents are the only ones who understand how hard it is!

Thankyou to Sam Igoe for sending us the much appreciated Christmas card and photos that recognised our angel.

Thankyou to Sam Igoe for sending us the much appreciated Christmas card and photos that recognised our angel.

Front of the card

Front of the card

Believe it or not, even preparing the food for Christmas even made me feel emotional. I remember as a child, each Christmas my mother would make us the most delicious trifle for our dessert. It was one of the things I most looked forward to at Christmas time. This Christmas, I decided I too would make a trifle for our Christmas dessert. Bad move. It left me yearning. For the gift of being a Mum. And being able to pass this tradition down to MY children. But no. No children were able to enjoy my delicious trifle. How I long to be able to pass these traditions down to my babies and make Christmas a special time for them.

The Berry Trifle I made

The Berry Trifle I made

The visit to my parents house in the afternoon was perhaps the hardest part about Christmas. My niece and nephew Keira and Kaiden were there. They are the most adorable children I know and I love them to pieces. They were the only people I bought gifts for this Christmas, as I wanted to make Christmas special for them as children. I remember how excited I was receiving gifts as a child, so I wanted to make sure they got spoilt, and felt the real magic of Christmas. They both opened their presents and adored them. Kaiden spent hours with his Uncle constructing his new marble run. Keira couldn’t wait to colour in her new backpack in readiness for Kindy next year.

The hard part came later on. We had decided after our cancelled IVF cycle that we would splurge out and have a few drinks with my family at Christmas. It fitted in well, considering they would soon be  moving towns, so it was the perfect opportunity to relax and unwind and enjoy one last gathering together. We struggled. Neither of us have consumed alcohol in the 2 years we have been trying to conceive. Even after our cancelled IVF and looking so much forward to having a few drinks, it just felt wrong. I knew how big of an impact alcohol plays on fertility and couldn’t bare to think what one session of binge drinking was likely to do to my body. I have recently had severe endometriosis surgically removed which resulted in 3 laparoscopies, so was terrified that the alcohol might in fact trigger the endometriosis to grow back. I just didn’t enjoy the whole experience.

To make matters worse, I also experienced my first cycle post the cancelled IVF cycle. The clots (TMI) and severe cramps have left me worried that there is something wrong. It definitely is not like my normal cycle. I know that all the injections and hormones have probably made me extremely messed up, but I can’t help but think that the follicles have now formed into cysts (which I have read about) or the endometriosis is growing back. It has been going for 4 days now. I hope it settles down soon as we are wanting to start our next IVF cycle at the end of January.

Later into the evening, everyone started to feel the effects of drinking. More drinks were had, everyone started smoking like chimneys (everyone smoked except us), and everyone was having a merry time- except us. Here we were, left feeling disappointed with ourselves. Our family members could all smoke and drink however much they liked, and were still fertile and healthy. Discussions were based around my niece and nephew (who wouldn’t want to talk about them though- they are just so damn cute!) as they stole the limelight with their antics and stunts. They are just cute little people and made everyone laugh- including us! They have a fantastic way of brightening anyone’s day. But it still made me feel empty though, another reminder of what we are missing out on, and don’t have.

Christmas… a day of happiness for some, but we are just glad it is over. A day full of so many emotions. I wish I could go back to the time when I loved Christmas. There is probably only one thing that will make me enjoy Christmas again…..children.