Today has been a bad day. Shocking. Awful. Terrible. Yes, I’m still 9w 4d pregnant. Yes, my scan on Friday just gone showed everything is still fine with this pregnancy. Yes, I’m carrying 2 beautiful babies still. Yes, my spotting has eased greatly. But I just can’t wipe the FEAR from my mind. I keep thinking that something will go wrong. I haven’t felt as many symptoms the last few days. I’m sick in my stomach and just feel like crying. I can’t function or manage to do anything else but wonder “what if”. I’ve pretty much moped all day thinking about the worst, brainwashing myself and preparing myself for the worst. I hate how the innocence of being a pregnant woman is something I will never feel. I want to enjoy this pregnancy, but I keep thinking of the worst. I wish I’d never experienced a miscarriage, then I wouldn’t be faced with these negative thoughts. I am so scared. I wish I could see and feel my babies everyday to know they are indeed okay. I hope things don’t turn bad. For now, I have to wait until this Friday for my next obstetrician appointment to know if things are okay. It really is just one day at a time.
The unknown continues, and it’s driving me absolutely bonkers.
On Saturday, my spotting intensified in colour. Still the regular brown colour which is meant to be ok in early pregnancy and indicate old blood. But it concerned me. As it had increased in volume. But like my clinic and GP advised me, what the hell can I do about it? Just relax and just rest. Just wait.
I had arranged days ago, with a friend to have lunch which was nice and proved a nice distraction. It was good to catch up with her. But over lunch I noticed some back ache had started- possible miscarriage pain? I worried the whole time.
By the time I got home, I had some abdominal cramps, back pain but no bleeding as yet. I turned the aircon on in our bedroom, took some Panadol and slept for a few hours. When I got up, I needed to go to the toilet. I didn’t want to. It scared me as to what I would find. To my nightmare, bright red blood and some large clots passed in the toilet. The twins? I’m miscarrying. I’m 6w2d. I just can’t seem to get past the 6 weeks mark. All of my pregnancies seem to fail then. I cried in bed and cuddled Troy for comfort, accepting that it’s most likely over. Why can’t life be fair?
Today, the spotting has continued, bleeding has seemed to ease, some mild cramping but nothing more. I still haven’t moved from bed, apart from for toilet trips and to have a shower. I felt so weak and like I was going to black out trying to have a shower. I just wish I knew what the hell is going in. Are my babies alive? Surely if I were miscarrying the bleeding would continue, with large clotting and excruciating pain, like my previous two miscarriages. Being an IVF pregnancy I would also expect a heavy bleed, like other IVF cycles, since the drugs have built up my lining so much. Though how could my beautiful twins be alive after passing such large clots and bleeding? It’s not as simple as just going to the hospital to get checked. Being in a regional area, our hospital is useless. I just want reassurance, care and monitoring. Never before have I felt so isolated. So tomorrow hopefully we will head back to Bundaberg and get some answers. I am due for another HCG test, and I’m hoping my GP may request another scan to find out whether the twins are still alive. I just wish I felt pregnant. That would help. I really hope one way or the other, that this can get sorted before another week, when I head back to work. If I am miscarrying, I don’t want it to drag out. Just get it over with so we can move on and pick ourselves up. It feels like my whole 6 weeks of holidays has been spent in limbo, waiting to see how many eggs fertilise, waiting to see how many embryos survive until transfer, waiting to see if we get any embryos to freeze, waiting the dreaded 2 weeks to see if it’ll implant, waiting for my first HCG BT, waiting a whole week until the second HCG BT to see if levels rise, waiting for the spotting to stop, waiting for what seems to be an inevitable miscarriage. What a great holiday. I can’t wait for it to be over. I don’t feel refreshed and revived at all. Hoping tomorrow brings some answers.
Another year has passed, and it is my lovely fiancé Troy’s 31st birthday.
A few days ago, I thought I would have the best birthday present in the world to give my fiancé, a pregnancy that would finally make him a Dad. But instead, I have nothing to give him. Broken dreams, a harsh reality.
But it seems it will all be taken from us, and Troy’s birthday will be spent dreaming about the “what ifs”.
My pregnancy tests haven’t gotten darker, my pregnancy symptoms are easing, so the reality is, our second IVF pregnancy will most likely end as another miscarriage too.
I am going to try my hardest to hold it together today and make Troy’s birthday enjoyable for him, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry once more.
Please know I love you my darling, and I wish I could have given you more this birthday. It’s really bad timing this has eventuated at the time it has. I just wish I could give you more….
So once again, I am back to thinking that my body is just crazy and useless. I know I should appreciate it more, after all, the job of creating a pregnancy is hard work, but how can I when all it does is fail me?
I am waiting for my first period post miscarriage, and my body just isn’t playing the game. In fact I don’t even think I’ve ovulated this month. So who knows when I’ll get my period. Stupid body. It never does what it’s meant to. My basal body temperatures have been very low. My hormones have to be out of whack. I usually have a 30 day cycle, and am currently up to CD 35. I have some very very light discoloured discharge, but not enough to warrant even wearing a liner. I’ve had light cramping that comes and goes. Some days it’s there, some days it’s not. I’ve been feeling hormonal and irritable. Most days I get frustrated at the smallest of things. The herbs I am taking obviously haven’t helped to regulate my cycles yet. Why do I bother doing all the right things like taking herbs? My body doesn’t appreciate it. I just want to know what is going on! The uncertainty continues. We are having a break from TTC to avoid the uncertainty, and here it is still haunting me. I just want AF to come to restore some normality.
We have an appointment with my FS tomorrow to discuss what went wrong with our last IVF, and discuss a future plan. I of course will be quizzing him about my periods and why they haven’t shown yet. I’m terrified something is wrong.
Questions I will be asking:
– What caused our embryo to terminate?
– Why did we need to use ICSI and how can we improve Troy’s sperm?
– How can we improve our embryo quality to get some to freeze next time instead?
– What approach will you use next time? (Which drugs etc)
– Why haven’t I got a period yet? (Is this a concern?)
While I’m looking forward to getting some answers and closure on our last cycle, I also feel anxious about the next steps. Will it be more involved next time since our last 2 cycles have failed ? Will he suggest donor eggs or sperm? While we aren’t going to do our next IVF cycle until September, I can’t help but think we shouldn’t be letting time slip away. I’m terrified the endometriosis will grow back in that time- after all it will be exactly a year since I had it removed when we do the next cycle. And I have been proven so many times my body isn’t normal. So much to think about…
After a miscarriage, the term “rainbow baby” is used to describe a baby that is conceived and is thus born following a loss.
In the real world, beautiful, bright, colourful rainbows usually follow a storm. The storm being the loss. The rainbow is said to give hope to those parents who have experienced loss, that their days will soon be bright and colourful, ideally with a new pregnancy.
After our first miscarriage in April last year, I had the magical experience of seeing the most beautiful rainbow on my way home from work. I instantly knew it was our first angel, giving us a little sign from above, that we would be okay- eventually. Offering us some hope at a time we very much needed it. And it was comforting.
And that magical experience happened again today too, on my way home from work. I saw another beautiful rainbow. Another sign from our second angel, that we will be okay. This sign came with good timing. I needed it. The spotting began today, indicating a very close second miscarriage.
While I wish our second miracle baby could stay with us for longer, I must look towards these beautiful rainbows our angels are sending and carry on, hoping. Hoping that one day, our dream will become a reality. So for now, I will keep dreaming of rainbows. Beautiful, bright, colourful rainbows.
So today, we had an appointment with our FS, where we were hoping to find out whether this pregnancy is an ectopic, or a very weak intrauterine pregnancy which will soon result in a miscarriage. And let me tell you, I’m so sick, so sick of not knowing, as today did not bring us any answers whatsoever.
My HCG levels have risen to 292, but are not high enough to indicate a threatening ectopic pregnancy. Meaning that my FS would not suggest doing a laparoscopy to remove it. It may resolve itself with time,or it may continue to grow causing rupture. Also, a D&C is out if the question, as if it is a intrauterine pregnancy , it would be so tiny, that any scraping of the uterus, may miss that tiny speck of pregnancy tissue.
So for now we just continue to wait. I wish something would finally eventuate, so we can get our life back to normal. My FS will continue to monitor me with weekly HCG tests, as there is still a very small chance it could rupture if it is ectopic, and he will make a call further down the track to operate if needed.
Waiting is seriously taking its toll. I can’t handle much more. I am terrified of it rupturing, as let’s face it, the services and promptness of the hospital in the country town I live are pretty much hopeless. I’d have better chances of dying. So for now, we just wait…. So sick, so sick of waiting…
Those dark clouds are once again looming above. Spiralling in the sky, brewing up, ready to unleash the heavens above.
This time last week, our days were sunny. We had accepted that our second IVF cycle would be negative, and we were looking forward to a much needed break from the emotionally, physically and financially draining experience of trying to conceive.
But since last week, so much has changed. News of a positive HCG result brought excitement, and amazement in how much of a miracle it was that it HAD worked. But alas, we hadn’t had a positive HPT yet, which made us feel like it wasn’t real at all. Just a joke. Someone screwing with our minds. Should we be excited as this is the one, or remain cautious, as this pregnancy too may be ripped from us? I have never felt so confused, and like I’d been pulled in so many directions. I felt like a dogs toy, being tugged from every which direction. What do I think? What do I believe? The blood test says yes, but the HPT says no…
We were scheduled for another HCG test on Tuesday, where I was certain that the HCG levels would rise , as I had now had a positive HPT. This surely meant the HCG levels were rising! I had started to feel pregnant now too. Morning sickness and extreme lethargy. I am pregnant at long last! That feeling I will never forget. The flutter in my heart, and the most absolute genuine feeling of happiness and joy, to see that one word flash up on the HPT- “pregnant”. Life was worth it. The outcome we’d been striving so damn hard to achieve for the last 21 months was now a reality. Our very own IVF miracle! I told Troy to look in the bathroom when he got home from work. It made him so happy. That cute grin, which spread from one ear to the other. A grin which i haven’t seen in a long time. It clearly meant the world to him too.
I was right with my thoughts too. My HCG levels had more than doubled every 48 hours. Which according to google- was what it should do. Which was a very good sign! I’m pregnant! One year exactly, after our first angel pregnancy! I’d been patient, and had now been rewarded!
After the second blood test, our doctor wasn’t in his office to confirm what he thought of my results. So we had another gruelling wait until our doctor returned the next day, to see if all was okay. And I made a silly mistake that night. In that desperate time of waiting, I got excited. How could I not be excited? I had spent so many weeks of this IVF cycle being negative, attempting to protect my emotions in case failure arose. Surely I now had the right to acknowledge and celebrate this extraordinary outcome. I could be positive now couldn’t I? There is a life beginning to grow inside of me. The most special feeling in the world. I thought the rising levels meant it would all be okay. This pregnancy would be the one, where we get to take home our own real, live baby in 9 months time, wouldn’t it? I’m going to be a Mum right? And Troy a Dad? Well, we got it WRONG…
My doctor said the HCG levels are just not high enough to indicate a healthy pregnancy, and it either will not continue, or it may even indicate an ectopic pregnancy. But our embryo definitely has implanted. And I’m pregnant. But how can this be happening again? What have we done to deserve yet another loss of a little one? A little one who amazingly carries our genetics, and is a part of us? And what have I done that is so bad to face the potential risk of losing a Fallopian tube and subsequent further loss of my fertility if it does turn out to be an ectopic? I wish God could talk to me and tell me all those answers. I am so damn terrified. As if having endometriosis, and a very low egg count isn ‘t bad enough. I don’t think I’ll be able to live if something happens to my tubes.
So now, we continue to play the waiting game. Meant to be 5 weeks today. My doctor wants the pregnancy to progress a little further first, and we will see him NEXT WEEK, where we will finally receive some answers. So for now, we just continue to wait for the inevitable. And hope like crazy that in the meantime the possible ectopic pregnancy doesn’t rear it’s ugly head and wreak havoc on my body.
My body has failed me once again. I have no interest in even trying again anymore. Look what happens when I spend so much time and money loving, nurturing and preparing my body for a pregnancy. It just fails me. Over and over. Why should I even bother anymore? I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to battle through another year of life in the hope that this may be the one. I want it to be over. I want the pregnancy symptoms to be gone, and to stop taunting me. I want a break from all these ups and downs. My psychological health cannot handle much more of it.
Those dark clouds are right now drenching our emotions with hurt and disappointment. We will get through this eventually and the sun will rear its face again. And we will once again just be that childless couple, with broken hearts, and a poor bank balance. Until next time. We love you our second angel.