Welcome to limbo land.
A place where the future is unknown and you can’t move on with the rest of your life until it miraculously and with time sorts itself out and becomes apparent of an outcome. A place where you are unable to focus your mind on anything else but the “what ifs” and all the different outcomes that may eventuate.
This is the place I am, limbo land.
Today I had a repeat HCG taken at my clinic expecting it to drop majorly since I had a bleed and cramping over the weekend.
Since last Tuesday, my HCG levels have risen, yes risen, from 1670 to 15490, which according to my clinic is spot on. I’m stunned. I’m confused. I don’t know what to think anymore. I thought I knew my body and what it was doing. But it appears i have no idea.
I still haven’t gotten excited, and remain cautious. The spotting and cramping I have been left with terrifies me. Even though the spotting has eased considerably, I still feel quite crampy. I’ve never had it before, but then again, I’ve never had a successful pregnancy before either. So how can I make such assumptions. The clinic has taken me off the pessaries now too, as my progesterone levels continue to shoot through the roof at 1032 today. I’m worried. That ceasing the pessaries may increase the bleeding more. The clinic don’t want anymore bloods for 2 weeks! 2 weeks until my FS returns from holidays. 2 weeks until my first scan with my FS when he returns. I have calculated today (for the first time) that I am around 5 weeks 3 days. The clinic has also recommended complete bed rest until things settle down.
I am seeing my GP tomorrow in the hope that she may monitor me more closely and allow an earlier scan to check the location of the pregnancy and rule out any complications like ectopic pregnancy or a blighted ovum. Bearing in mind that every time I need bloods or medical attention, it involves a car trip to the nearest medical facilities at a more populated town, not our tiny regional town that is incapable of dealing with me. GP is 1 hour away, bloods 1-1 and a half hours away, FS clinic- 4 hrs away. Lately it feels like we may as well live in the car. But I am so grateful that Troy can be my own personal chauffeur and assist me while he is still on holidays. I still have no pregnancy symptoms. In fact I think they’re easing even more- my breasts feel nowhere near as sore.
My Acupuncturist did an anti-miscarriage treatment on me today and she has given me a new batch of the anti-miscarriage Chinese herbs to take again too.
I feel as though I’m a bad mother and not giving our tiny baby the recognition and love it deserves. I do love our tiny embryo to bits and just hope it can stay and Mummy’s heart isn’t broken again. I was all prepared psychologically and emotionally for a pending miscarriage. Here’s hoping this little fighter can hang on and make 2015 the best year yet.