So very true to the emotions I’ve been feeling lately…..
This article deals with pregnancy but also the toll that IVF and IF takes on you, even once you are pregnant. http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/parenting/2015/03/17/after-i-v-f-pregnant-but-still-stuck-in-the-past/?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&_r=0&referrer
https://longestroadblog.wordpress.com/2015/03/19/i-wanted-to-share-this/
Today has been a bad day. Shocking. Awful. Terrible. Yes, I’m still 9w 4d pregnant. Yes, my scan on Friday just gone showed everything is still fine with this pregnancy. Yes, I’m carrying 2 beautiful babies still. Yes, my spotting has eased greatly. But I just can’t wipe the FEAR from my mind. I keep thinking that something will go wrong. I haven’t felt as many symptoms the last few days. I’m sick in my stomach and just feel like crying. I can’t function or manage to do anything else but wonder “what if”. I’ve pretty much moped all day thinking about the worst, brainwashing myself and preparing myself for the worst. I hate how the innocence of being a pregnant woman is something I will never feel. I want to enjoy this pregnancy, but I keep thinking of the worst. I wish I’d never experienced a miscarriage, then I wouldn’t be faced with these negative thoughts. I am so scared. I wish I could see and feel my babies everyday to know they are indeed okay. I hope things don’t turn bad. For now, I have to wait until this Friday for my next obstetrician appointment to know if things are okay. It really is just one day at a time.
This week has seen my return to work. I have been busily preparing for the new school year, ready for some eager brand new little Preppies to arrive on Tuesday. While I did not physically move any furniture (I got a Teacher Aide to do this for me), I have been more active than usual. Most nights, I would be exhausted with my muscles and back cramping lots. Its probably no coincidence, that on Thursday, my spotting increased once more. The result of doing too much work, or perhaps something was wrong with my two strong babies. I did not know. At last, I had had enough, and booked an appointment with my GP on Friday morning in the hopes of seeing an Obstetrician that day and getting some answers.
My GP thankfully agreed with me, and gave me the referral to an Obsetrician in Bundaberg, and when I rang and explained my situation with the spotting, they were more than willing to fit me in straight away even though they were completely booked out. We had heard from my GP that the Obsetrician I was to see is very good, but his wife, who runs the admin side of the practice is much to be desired, and she was absolutely right! I am not entirely sure whether I will keep seeing this Obsetrician, but I am glad I was able to see him given my situation and provide me with some answers.
He re-scanned me, and once again, both babies are healthy and growing ahead of their gestational age. On Friday I was 8 weeks exactly, baby A measured 8 weeks 3 days, and baby B measured 8 weeks 4 days. Their heartbeats were now 171bpm, a huge increase from our last scan back at 5w 3d when they were only 114 and 115 bpm. The Obstetrician assured me that both babies were healthy, and he also found the source of my spotting, there is a gap in my cervix which indicates a possible tear. It measures 0.7mm. He said the only thing to fix it is to go on complete bed rest and be reassesseed in 2 weeks, to see if it has healed. He said it is fortunate it is not affecting the preganncy. I got a doctors certificate, so now I will no longer be able to start school with my new Prep class. I feel terrible as it is these kids first day of school and they should be starting it with the teacher they will have for the rest of the year (well half the year, given I will need maternity leave!). But at the same time, I know it is completely for the best, as I need to heal and there is no way I could do that if I was working. I also don’t want anything to jeoporadise the twins and having a healthy pregnancy with 2 babies in my arms at the end! I am happy to finally have some answers, but am a little upset with how I was treated.
The Obstetrician made me feel guilty for being so anxious, even after I had told him of our history of miscarriages and the 5 rounds of IVF we have done. You would think he would have some compassion, but basically told me to snap out of it. His wife was much to be desired also. She filled out a request for me to have more procedural bloods done, and I told her I had already had some of the tests done already through my fertility clinic, and lets just say she was not very friendly or willing to hear it. So I had to just give in and have all the bloods done again. While I appreciate the Obsetricians expertise in being able to find my problem, I just don’t know if he will be the right one. I’d love to use him, as it would be a little closer to home rather than sourcing one in Brisbane and having travel copious distances again like we did with our IVF treatment, however, I know I need to be comfortable, confident and have compelete trust in my Obsetrician. I am booked in for another appointment with him in 2 weeks time to see if my issue has healed. So I have between now and then to decide whether to use him or someone else. I know I want the best care given that we live in a regional area and don’t have access to high quality medical care, and given that I have already faced so much limbo already. So it may very well be back to the drawing board. I still can’t believe we have come this far, and got to the point of deciding on an Obsetrician, I thought this was a day that would never come!
Look how much the babies have grown!!!
On Monday, I finally got to see my fertility specialist. He re-scanned me, and to our delight, at 7w 3d there were still 2 healthy babies, with 2 strong heartbeats. They both measured 7w 5d, 2 days ahead. He said it was great that they both measured the same size, as this can be a complication in some twin pregnancies. He reassured me the spotting is definitely an old bleed. If I had a bleed of say 30-40ml, then only 1-2ml may only be coming away per day, so it’ll take a while to completely stop. He seemed to think I was towards the end though. He didn’t even measure their heartbeat rate, I guess he was confident they were good and strong. We go back in 2 weeks for another repeat scan. Our FS congratulated us and encouraged us for keeping the faith in finally being able to achieve this end result. Although Monday’s scan makes things more definite, I am still so unsure and terrified to keep this pregnancy. I want to be excited, but am finding I am still so cautious. Oh how I would love to be naive about pregnancy and not have a single worry! I love our babies more than anything, I really hope they continue to grow and stay with us. I’ve been reminding myself, that my last 2 miscarriages, I never experienced any bleeding prior to the miscarry, so the fact that I am still spotting in this pregnancy is a good sign that all is hopefully well. I am to stop taking the aspirin and prednisone now, which I’m a little unsure about, but as my FS said, they’ve healthily implanted so I don’t need them anymore. So for now, we are we’re having 2 babies! New due date being September 1. 💜 💚
My HCG levels have risen from 15 490 last Monday to 62300 this Monday. My clinic were more than happy with that rise. The question remains, why did I bleed and pass clots over the weekend? Did I miscarry one baby? Are they both still okay? The question remains unknown until next Monday when I can have a scan with my FS. My GP didn’t seem interested in rescanning since my levels have risen. The wait continues! I will have a repeat HCG on Thursday to make sure levels are still rising. Given the levels are getting quite high now, I have read the HCG tests will soon become an inaccurate guide as the doubling rate begins to slow. I don’t want to waste away the last week of my holidays, but come on Monday!
I have continued the bed rest given the spotting still continues, and am
beginning to consider whether I should go back to work at all. I have a few very high needs, undiagnosed children in my class this year who will be challenging physically, so don’t want that to risk this pregnancy further. So much to think about and hopefully next weeks scan will confirm good news.
The unknown continues, and it’s driving me absolutely bonkers.
On Saturday, my spotting intensified in colour. Still the regular brown colour which is meant to be ok in early pregnancy and indicate old blood. But it concerned me. As it had increased in volume. But like my clinic and GP advised me, what the hell can I do about it? Just relax and just rest. Just wait.
I had arranged days ago, with a friend to have lunch which was nice and proved a nice distraction. It was good to catch up with her. But over lunch I noticed some back ache had started- possible miscarriage pain? I worried the whole time.
By the time I got home, I had some abdominal cramps, back pain but no bleeding as yet. I turned the aircon on in our bedroom, took some Panadol and slept for a few hours. When I got up, I needed to go to the toilet. I didn’t want to. It scared me as to what I would find. To my nightmare, bright red blood and some large clots passed in the toilet. The twins? I’m miscarrying. I’m 6w2d. I just can’t seem to get past the 6 weeks mark. All of my pregnancies seem to fail then. I cried in bed and cuddled Troy for comfort, accepting that it’s most likely over. Why can’t life be fair?
Today, the spotting has continued, bleeding has seemed to ease, some mild cramping but nothing more. I still haven’t moved from bed, apart from for toilet trips and to have a shower. I felt so weak and like I was going to black out trying to have a shower. I just wish I knew what the hell is going in. Are my babies alive? Surely if I were miscarrying the bleeding would continue, with large clotting and excruciating pain, like my previous two miscarriages. Being an IVF pregnancy I would also expect a heavy bleed, like other IVF cycles, since the drugs have built up my lining so much. Though how could my beautiful twins be alive after passing such large clots and bleeding? It’s not as simple as just going to the hospital to get checked. Being in a regional area, our hospital is useless. I just want reassurance, care and monitoring. Never before have I felt so isolated. So tomorrow hopefully we will head back to Bundaberg and get some answers. I am due for another HCG test, and I’m hoping my GP may request another scan to find out whether the twins are still alive. I just wish I felt pregnant. That would help. I really hope one way or the other, that this can get sorted before another week, when I head back to work. If I am miscarrying, I don’t want it to drag out. Just get it over with so we can move on and pick ourselves up. It feels like my whole 6 weeks of holidays has been spent in limbo, waiting to see how many eggs fertilise, waiting to see how many embryos survive until transfer, waiting to see if we get any embryos to freeze, waiting the dreaded 2 weeks to see if it’ll implant, waiting for my first HCG BT, waiting a whole week until the second HCG BT to see if levels rise, waiting for the spotting to stop, waiting for what seems to be an inevitable miscarriage. What a great holiday. I can’t wait for it to be over. I don’t feel refreshed and revived at all. Hoping tomorrow brings some answers.
Yesterday was the most amazing day of my life.
7:50- Left home in a half asleep state to make it to GP appointment on time.
9:00- Made it to GP appointment in Childers. Expressed concerns of being in limbo land. Got a referral to have an early scan and repeat HCG BT to ensure levels rise from yesterday.
9:30- Make the further 1/2hr drive to Bundaberg and relax at my parents house for a bit while we wait for scan appointment.
12:00- Make our way to scan appointment at the radiology place. Begin to feel highly nervous. My life depends on this. Last time I had a scan I was told “sorry, there’s no heartbeat”. Have an abdominal scan and transvaginal scan with the lovely dildo camera. The ones they use at our clinic all the time! Locate 2 gestational sacs, 2 yolk sacs and 2 heartbeats!!! Twins!!! Happiest moment of my life!!!! A grin from ear to ear, can’t stop smiling!!
2:30- Have to wait until 3:00 to pick up results from the radiology place but they message me earlier saying they’re ready for collection, so make a mad drive back to Childers by 3:15 to have follow up appointment with GP.
3:15- Results indicate my ovaries are still highly stimulated from the IVF drugs and full of large follicles. There is fluid in my pelvis and pouch of Douglas (as a result of the OHSS), and there is a twin intrauterine pregnancy measuring the correct size at 5w 4d. EDD- 3 September, 2015 (The Day after my Mother’s Birthday!) The extra fluid and swelling may be causing the spotting and cramping. There is no subchorionic bleed.
3:30- Make our way back home and get more sleep in the afternoon.
9:00- Sleep through until 9:00 the next morning!!
Oh my goodness!! Still can’t believe there are twins! I hope they will continue to grow and hold on until our next scan with our FS on the 19th. I’ll be 7w 3d then. I’m even more terrified! Twin pregnancies can be higher risk, and often deliver premature. We have a long way to go!
Today the spotting has returned after it had completely tapered off, and I have a really odd feeling between my uterus and bowel, which brings pain when I walk, laugh, move too much. I have a feeling it’s the Pouch of Douglas which was referred to on the scan results. So I’ve been completely debilitated and on bed rest today. Troy is doing a wonderful job of taking care of me. I just hope the twins are ok! My HCG results went up from 15490 to 17800 overnight, so I really hope everything is still ok with the babies. These results do bring me a huge relief that I am in fact pregnant, as previously I didn’t believe it and I was more than positive I would miscarry with the bleeding, spotting and cramping I experienced over the weekend. I still don’t really feel pregnant. The lingering OHSS symptoms probably don’t help the situation. All I really feel is extreme tiredness.
Here’s our babies at 5w 4d.
Welcome to limbo land.
🌅✈️🚁🚂🚌🚗🚖🚛
A place where the future is unknown and you can’t move on with the rest of your life until it miraculously and with time sorts itself out and becomes apparent of an outcome. A place where you are unable to focus your mind on anything else but the “what ifs” and all the different outcomes that may eventuate.
This is the place I am, limbo land.
Today I had a repeat HCG taken at my clinic expecting it to drop majorly since I had a bleed and cramping over the weekend.
Since last Tuesday, my HCG levels have risen, yes risen, from 1670 to 15490, which according to my clinic is spot on. I’m stunned. I’m confused. I don’t know what to think anymore. I thought I knew my body and what it was doing. But it appears i have no idea.
I still haven’t gotten excited, and remain cautious. The spotting and cramping I have been left with terrifies me. Even though the spotting has eased considerably, I still feel quite crampy. I’ve never had it before, but then again, I’ve never had a successful pregnancy before either. So how can I make such assumptions. The clinic has taken me off the pessaries now too, as my progesterone levels continue to shoot through the roof at 1032 today. I’m worried. That ceasing the pessaries may increase the bleeding more. The clinic don’t want anymore bloods for 2 weeks! 2 weeks until my FS returns from holidays. 2 weeks until my first scan with my FS when he returns. I have calculated today (for the first time) that I am around 5 weeks 3 days. The clinic has also recommended complete bed rest until things settle down.
I am seeing my GP tomorrow in the hope that she may monitor me more closely and allow an earlier scan to check the location of the pregnancy and rule out any complications like ectopic pregnancy or a blighted ovum. Bearing in mind that every time I need bloods or medical attention, it involves a car trip to the nearest medical facilities at a more populated town, not our tiny regional town that is incapable of dealing with me. GP is 1 hour away, bloods 1-1 and a half hours away, FS clinic- 4 hrs away. Lately it feels like we may as well live in the car. But I am so grateful that Troy can be my own personal chauffeur and assist me while he is still on holidays. I still have no pregnancy symptoms. In fact I think they’re easing even more- my breasts feel nowhere near as sore.
My Acupuncturist did an anti-miscarriage treatment on me today and she has given me a new batch of the anti-miscarriage Chinese herbs to take again too.
I feel as though I’m a bad mother and not giving our tiny baby the recognition and love it deserves. I do love our tiny embryo to bits and just hope it can stay and Mummy’s heart isn’t broken again. I was all prepared psychologically and emotionally for a pending miscarriage. Here’s hoping this little fighter can hang on and make 2015 the best year yet.
Yesterday I started bleeding bright red. Sure- bleeding can be normal in some pregnancies, but I knew, it wasn’t normal for me. We had arranged dinner at Troy’s parents last night. It was a struggle. To put on a happy face and try to be sociable, knowing that any moment, blood may come gushing, indicating the start of a miscarriage.
Thankfully, there’s been no gushing blood yet, but this morning I woke with that all familiar period cramping, and some clotting beginning to pass when I wipe. A miscarriage is imminent. My body is trying so hard to do its thing, the pessaries I’m still taking are just doing their job in halting it all a day or so longer. This will be our third loss. Our fourth failed IVF cycle this year.
To make matters worse, we need to make the 4 hr drive to Brisbane today to be at my clinic tomorrow to have my second BT, which was meant to confirm a viable, progressing pregnancy (with great HCG numbers) but instead they will give me the bad news that my levels have now decreased. Sitting in a car for 4 hrs, driving over a bumpy road while cramping and anticipating a miscarriage should just be great fun!
So once again we are completely shattered. We both cried on our way home from Troy’s parents last night. I wish I could make Troy happy instead of seeing him upset. He thought it was the one, just as much as me. With such great HCG numbers, which earlier in the week doubled, we thought this would be our miracle. But once again, we have been teased. Ripped off by our clinic a second time. Another $12 000 out of our pockets which probably funded our fertility specialists month long vacation, and a broken heart to accompany it.
I’m not even sure anymore what the future holds for us now. Even though i knew this pregnancy didn’t feel right (absence of pregnancy symptoms), it still hurts incredibly. Another slap in the face. It seems like we will never be parents. Never before have I felt like this. Previous times, miscarriages have given me hope that we can indeed get pregnant, but this time I just feel numb. IVF is our only option to conceive, yet, how much longer do we keep doing this to ourselves? I’ve had 4 egg pick ups and 4 transfers this year, 2 of which were pregnancies that have failed. We are emotionally and (me) physically wrecked. I’m just incredibly terrified of IVF now and the heartache it brings. So once again,I wait in limbo for my womb to be empty… At least once the miscarriage begins, I will no longer be taunted and reminded of this failure with these little pregnancy symptoms I have been feeling, like frequent urination, sore enlarged boobs, extreme hunger and heartburn.
To our little one: We have never been so joyous and “truly happy” as this Christmas & New Year when we discovered you were on board. You brought us so much hope, true happiness & joy. But just like the cruel joke life is, we won’t get to hold our you, out third precious baby, in our arms. We love you so much little one. Always in Mummy & Daddy’s heart.
Maybe miracles do exist!! And god has listened to our prayers. And my angel babies and Grandma are watching over me.
I got my bloods taken yesterday at my GP to check on levels since the clinic won’t redo them until Monday.
HCG was 1670 at 18dp2dt and progesterone was 958!! According to this beaut calculator, my levels have doubled spot on, can’t believe it! Troy has been calling me a “Yummy Mummy”, but I still can’t help but feel like we can’t get excited just yet, until the third blood test on Monday. Keep growing little one. You’ve proven already just how strong you are.
The Long Road To Being a Mum 